Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule] [Cut to Fresh Takes intro] [Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch] [Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”] [Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves] [The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”] [Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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