Justin Purcell… Mikey Day
Scott Partec… Alex Moffat
Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon
Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle
Miles… Kyle Mooney
Nurse… Leslie Jones[Starts with TV channel program schedule] [Cut to Fresh Takes intro] [Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]
Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?
Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.[Cut to Justin and Scott]
Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.[Cut to Crissy Lake]
Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.[Cut to Justin Parcell]
Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.[Cut to Mr. Paul]
Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.[Cut to everyone at the panel]
Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.
Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.[Cut to Justin Parcell]
Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.[Cut to Scott Partec]
Scott Partec: That’s right. We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.[Cut to Crissy Lake]
Crissy Lake: But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch] [Cut to Miles at his set]
Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.[Cut to Mr. Paul]
Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.
Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.[Cut to Crissy Lake]
Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”] [Cut to Crissy Lake]
Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.[Cut to Miles]
Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.
Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.[Cut to Justin Purcell]
Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]
Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.
Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!
Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.
Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.[Cut to Nurse]
Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.[Cut to everybody at the panel]
Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.[Cut to Mr. Paul]
Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?[Cut too Justin Purcell]
Justin Purcell: Not really.
Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.[Cut too Justin Purcell]
Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]
Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.[Cut too Justin Purcell]
Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.[Cut to everybody at the panel]
Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.
Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.[Ends with outro]