Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant
Lauren… Scarlett Johansson
Brian… Beck Bennett
Prince Simon… Alex Moffat
Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney
Prince’s friend… Chris Redd
Dad… Mikey Day[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]
Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”[Cut to the show set] [cheers and applause]
Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.
Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.[Cut to Prince Simon] Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas. [Cut to Nick St. Claus]
Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]
Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?
Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?[Cut to Prince Simon]
Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.[Cut to Nick St. Claus]
Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou![Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?[Cut to Brian]
Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.
Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]
Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?
Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.
Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]
Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.
Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?[Cut to Speaker 6]
Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: Well, what’s your name?[Cut to Speaker 6]
Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle] [the bell rings]
Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.
Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand] [Cut to the bachelors]
Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?
Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?
Brian: A dreidel?[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]
Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: yeah! I won! I won.
Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.[Dad walks in]
Dad: Hi, pumpkin.
Lauren: Daddy, you made it.
Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.
Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?
Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.
Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.
Dad: Yes![Cut to Emily Cringle]
Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.