Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon
Dana Gram… Cecily Strong
Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]
Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]
Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium] [Cheers and applause]
Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.
Dana Gram: Hello.
Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?
Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.
Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]
Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”
Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.
Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]
So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?
Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [Dog grunting]
Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]
Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]
Are you my good little boy?[Dog grunting]
Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.
Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]
Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.[Cut to Mikey in the audience]
Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog barks]
Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?[Cut to Melissa in the audience]
Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.
Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”[Cut to Melissa in the audience]
Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog barks]
Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.[Cut to Ego in the audience]
Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]
Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.
Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]
Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”[Cut to Aidy in the audience]
Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]
Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”[Cut to Kenan in the audience]
Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]
Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]
Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]
Does anyone have any questions for him?[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.] [Cut to the stage]
Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.
Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.