Gino’s girlfriend… Jennifer Lopez

Cousin… Melissa Villaseñor

Uncle Johnny… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl wearing a bangle sized earring]

Gino’s girlfriend: Glittering. Sparkly. Circles. Those are how you make a hoop.

[Cut to Gino’s girlfriend and her cousin in Hoops store]

Hi. I’m Geno’s girlfriend.

Cousin: And I’m her cousin.

Gino’s girlfriend: Do you need an earring that says, “I fight other women?”

Cousin: Do you want to wear a bracelet but on your sides of your head?

Gino’s girlfriend: Then you need hoops from our store called HOOPS.

Cousin: Located next to the bagel store that caught on fire.

Gino’s girlfriend: Our HOOPS are the highest quality things you’re ever going to see.

Cousin: Made from 100% metal.

Gino’s girlfriend: So luxurious, they’ll turn your ears the color of money.

Cousin: We’ve got hoops for every occasion.

Gino’s girlfriend: Birthday dinner.

Cousin: Anniversary trip.

Gino’s girlfriend: Ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Cousin: Woman on the street interview about subway problems.

Gino’s girlfriend: Confronting Barbara.

Cousin: Accusing Barbara.

Gino’s girlfriend: Calling back to Barbara.

Cousin: And of course, Saturday mass. Show off your personality with a customized hoop.

Gino’s girlfriend: You can put any word on a hoop. Your name.

Cousin: Not your name.

Gino’s girlfriend: XOXO.

Cousin: Daddy’s little girl.

Gino’s girlfriend: Daddy’s big bitch.

Cousin: Diabetic.

Gino’s girlfriend: Or your favorite designer like Versushi.

Cousin: Couch.

Gino’s girlfriend: DKNYPD,

Cousin: And Vallengina.

[Uncle Johnny walks in]
Uncle Johnny: Hey, hey, hey. Hello, my beautiful girls.

Gino’s girlfriend: Hi.

[Uncle Johnny gives kiss to both Gino’s girlfriend and Cousin]

Gino’s girlfriend:  This is our uncle Johnny.

Cousin: He brings us the hoops from – where do they come from again?

Uncle Johnny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, you know what? There’s more where that came from. God, I wish your daddy was dead so could I walk you both down the aisle to me.

Cousin: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

Gino’s girlfriend: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

[Uncle Johnny leaves]

Are they made of real gold? Sure. Why not?

Cousin: Do you still feel like “I can’t wear hoops?”

Gino’s girlfriend: Don’t be stupid. Hoop earrings go with everything. Fur coat.

Cousin: PJs.

Gino’s girlfriend: Wedding dress.

Cousin: Communion dress.

Gino’s girlfriend: Tiger stripes.

Cousin: Zebra skins.

Gino’s girlfriend: And bubble bath.

Cousin: Do you under dress for an exclusive event like a christening?

Gino’s girlfriend: Yeah. Do you look like garbage a little bit and wish you didn’t?

Cousin: Go, get some hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Put on hoops and people will think, “She looks nice.” Like a rapper’s accountant.

Cousin: Thanks, hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Let your ear lobes get married to your shoulder.

Cousin: Give your ear a promise ring, and that promise is, “This is gonna get ripped off by a baby.”

Gino’s girlfriend: Oh! Very important! Don’t hold a baby with these. Babies love hoops and they are very grabbing people.

Cousin: Speaking of babies–

Gino’s girlfriend: When you look at your baby daughter, do you think, “How could I respect you?”

Cousin: Does your baby look weak?

Gino’s girlfriend: You already know.

Both: Give her hoops.

Cousin: What’s your baby going to take out before a fight? Hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: So come on down to the hoops. You know what they say.

Both: The bigger the hoops, it hurts more.

Announcer: Located, you know what, right around where Dino works. I think.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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