Gino’s girlfriend… Jennifer Lopez
Cousin… Melissa Villaseñor
Uncle Johnny… Alex Moffat
[Starts with a girl wearing a bangle sized earring]
Gino’s girlfriend: Glittering. Sparkly. Circles. Those are how you make a hoop.
[Cut to Gino’s girlfriend and her cousin in Hoops store]
Hi. I’m Geno’s girlfriend.
Cousin: And I’m her cousin.
Gino’s girlfriend: Do you need an earring that says, “I fight other women?”
Cousin: Do you want to wear a bracelet but on your sides of your head?
Gino’s girlfriend: Then you need hoops from our store called HOOPS.
Cousin: Located next to the bagel store that caught on fire.
Gino’s girlfriend: Our HOOPS are the highest quality things you’re ever going to see.
Cousin: Made from 100% metal.
Gino’s girlfriend: So luxurious, they’ll turn your ears the color of money.
Cousin: We’ve got hoops for every occasion.
Gino’s girlfriend: Birthday dinner.
Cousin: Anniversary trip.
Gino’s girlfriend: Ex-boyfriend’s wedding.
Cousin: Woman on the street interview about subway problems.
Gino’s girlfriend: Confronting Barbara.
Cousin: Accusing Barbara.
Gino’s girlfriend: Calling back to Barbara.
Cousin: And of course, Saturday mass. Show off your personality with a customized hoop.
Gino’s girlfriend: You can put any word on a hoop. Your name.
Cousin: Not your name.
Gino’s girlfriend: XOXO.
Cousin: Daddy’s little girl.
Gino’s girlfriend: Daddy’s big bitch.
Cousin: Diabetic.
Gino’s girlfriend: Or your favorite designer like Versushi.
Cousin: Couch.
Gino’s girlfriend: DKNYPD,
Cousin: And Vallengina.
[Uncle Johnny walks in]
Uncle Johnny: Hey, hey, hey. Hello, my beautiful girls.
Gino’s girlfriend: Hi.
[Uncle Johnny gives kiss to both Gino’s girlfriend and Cousin]
Gino’s girlfriend: This is our uncle Johnny.
Cousin: He brings us the hoops from – where do they come from again?
Uncle Johnny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, you know what? There’s more where that came from. God, I wish your daddy was dead so could I walk you both down the aisle to me.
Cousin: Thanks, uncle Johnny.
Gino’s girlfriend: Thanks, uncle Johnny.
[Uncle Johnny leaves]
Are they made of real gold? Sure. Why not?
Cousin: Do you still feel like “I can’t wear hoops?”
Gino’s girlfriend: Don’t be stupid. Hoop earrings go with everything. Fur coat.
Cousin: PJs.
Gino’s girlfriend: Wedding dress.
Cousin: Communion dress.
Gino’s girlfriend: Tiger stripes.
Cousin: Zebra skins.
Gino’s girlfriend: And bubble bath.
Cousin: Do you under dress for an exclusive event like a christening?
Gino’s girlfriend: Yeah. Do you look like garbage a little bit and wish you didn’t?
Cousin: Go, get some hoops.
Gino’s girlfriend: Put on hoops and people will think, “She looks nice.” Like a rapper’s accountant.
Cousin: Thanks, hoops.
Gino’s girlfriend: Let your ear lobes get married to your shoulder.
Cousin: Give your ear a promise ring, and that promise is, “This is gonna get ripped off by a baby.”
Gino’s girlfriend: Oh! Very important! Don’t hold a baby with these. Babies love hoops and they are very grabbing people.
Cousin: Speaking of babies–
Gino’s girlfriend: When you look at your baby daughter, do you think, “How could I respect you?”
Cousin: Does your baby look weak?
Gino’s girlfriend: You already know.
Both: Give her hoops.
Cousin: What’s your baby going to take out before a fight? Hoops.
Gino’s girlfriend: So come on down to the hoops. You know what they say.
Both: The bigger the hoops, it hurts more.
Announcer: Located, you know what, right around where Dino works. I think.
