Chris Redd
Ego Nwodim
Cecily Strong
Scarlett Johansson
Big Jim… Niall Horan
[Starts with a clip of Radisson hotel]
Chris: Honey, come on. The coast is clear.
[Cut to Chris and Ego in a indoor pool]
Ego: Oh, my gosh! This is so crazy. The sign says it’s after hours for the hot tub
Chris: Yeah, well. It also says you can’t go in if you’ve had diarrhea in the past two weeks.
Ego: What are you implying, mister?
Chris: You know you did. Now, get in here rule breaker.
Ego: Okay, you are going to get us kicked out of the Radisson select.
[unknown laughter]
Ego: Honey what is that?
[Two women’s spirit appear]
Cecily: Hi, y’all.
Scarlett: Hi.
Chris: Are you spirits?
[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]
Cecily: Oh, you mean like ghosts? Yeah.
Scarlett: Yeah, go ahead. Put your hand through my face.
[Cut to everybody. Ego tries tries to touch Scarlett]
Scarlett: Ah! I’m kidding.
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Ego: Honey, I bet they’re gonna teach us some kind of Christmas lesson.
Chris: Yeah, like show us the error of our ways.
Ego: Like that classic Christmas story.
Chris: Oh yeah, what was it? Like the Muppet Christmas carol?
[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]
Cecily: Oh gosh. I wish. I love Muppets.
Scarlett: No, we’re just two dead strippers that get to haunt this hot tub every Christmas.
[Cut to everybody]
Ego: You’re strippers?
Scarlett: We were.
Cecily: We’re dead now.
Scarlett: Yeah. We worked at Big Jim’s Jug, Rug and Tug Join across the street from the family chicken restaurant.
[cut to Chris and Ego]
Ego: So, how did you two pass?
Ego: Honey, that’s rude.
[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]
Scarlett: No, it’s okay. There’s a song about it.
[music playing]
It was Christmas at the strip club
Cecily: Back in Chris97Cecily
Both: Big Jim closed up early
so we could trim the stripper tree
Scarlett: We gathered all our pasties
and set them on each limb
Both: Then big Jim made his annual joke
about getting Christmas trim
Cecily: We took our Christmas Quaaludes
Scarlett: having fun just hanging round
Both: we said is it safe to swim on qualudes
there is only one way to find out
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Chris: Oh, it’s starting to sound like they did something dumb.
[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]
Scarlett: So, we sneaked into this hot tub
Cecily: On this crystal Christmas night
Both: We said let’s do something funny
and have chicken fight
Cecily: I got on the bottom
Scarlett: And I got on the top.
[Spirit of Niall Horan appears]
Bim Jim: And I got up on both of them
while they both just shouted stop.
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Ego: Who are you?
Bim Jim: I’m big Jim.
[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Big?
Scarlett: No, no. It’s a funny name.
Cecily: Yeah, like when you call a big fat guys, Tiny.
Ego: Okay, so you’re dead too?
Chris: Honey?
Bim Jim: I don’t mind it. It’s in the song.
Scarlett: Yeah, let’s get back to it.
[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]
Bim Jim: So, I sat on top of the chicken
but it felt like something was wrong
Then I noticed the girls went under
but they were down there far too long
Both: So we popped out of the water
to play a joke on Jim
All: But our forehead hit Jim’s forehead
and we all sunk down again
then we had a staring contest
underneath the hot tub foam
but we swallowed too much water
and now this hot tub is our forever home
Cecily: Did you get what happened in the song?
Scarlett: We drowned in.
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Chris: So the three of you drowned having staring contest?
[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]
Scarlett: Yeah. I guess so. We was just having a good time.
Cecily: That’s the meaning of friendship.
Bim Jim: And hey, isn’t friendship what Christmas is all about?
Scarlett: Hey, don’t y’all ever forget that.
[The clock bell rings]
Well, it’s almost midnight.
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Chris: What happens then?
[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]
Cecily: Then it’s Christmas and we go back to hell.
Scarlett: Yeah, we only get the one night. Anyway, before we go—
All: [singing]
so here’s out Christmas lesson
the afterlife is long
but we all have to go so why not go with friends
and you’ll never be alone
[song ends]
Scarlett: Oh! And one more thing. That diarrhea you’re having right now, it’s because you’re pregnant.
[Cut to Chris and Ego]
Ego: Oh, honey.
Chris: You’re having diarrhea right now?
Ego: Yes, but we’re going to have a baby.
[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]
Cecily: Congratulations.
[Cut to everybody]
All: Merry Christmas. Bye.
Ego: Oh! I guess they taught us something after all.
Chris: Did they?
Ego: We found out I’m pregnant.
Chris: I would like to get a real doctor to establish that, but hey, get over here. Merry Christmas. I love you.
Ego: I love you, too.
