Joe… Kristen Sterwart
Cecily Strong
Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
Kenan Thompson
Kyle Mooney
Bowen Yang
Heidi Gardner
Ego Nwodim
Mikey Day
Alex Moffat
[Starts with jury deciding the case]
Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.
Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?
Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.
Cecily: I know.
Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?
Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.
Kyle: And here we go with the race card.
Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?
[The Bailiff walks in]
Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.
Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!
[Cut to Bailiff]
Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?
[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.
Heidi: Yeah, mine too.
Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.
[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.
[Cut to Kenan and Ego]
Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.
Ego: He’s right.
[Cut to Mikey and Joe]
Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.
Joe: Oh, okay, but—
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Whoa. What was that?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.
[Cut to Kenan and Ego]
Kenan: Damn. That was loud.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.
[Cut to Ego and Kenan]
Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.
[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: No, I want a meal.
[Cut to Heidi and Ego]
Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?
[Cut to everybody]
Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.
Alex: She changed her story, like three times.
[Cut to Joe]
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: That one wasn’t me.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.
Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.
Kate: Do you need a tums?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.
Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?
Aidy: Obviously not.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Kate: So, just take a tums.
Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.
Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Kate: I was offering advice.
[Stomach growling]
Cecily: Sorry.
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: I’m sorry.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
[Stomach growling]
Aidy: Pardon me.
[Cut to everybody]
[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]
Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?
Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor
[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]
Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?
Kate: Hear what?
[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]
Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.
Ego: Then, I change my vote too.
Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.
Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.
I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.
Kenan: Looking for a problem.
Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.
[Cut to everybody]
Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.
Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?
Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.
[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]
Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.
[Cut to everybody]
Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?
[Cut to everybody]
Ego: He said Ginuwine.
[The Bailiff walks in]
Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.
[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]
Joe: Oh, not you too.
[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.
Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony
