Joan… Aidy Bryant
Steve… Kyle Mooney
Doug… Harry Styles[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa] [Music playing]
Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone
in a small nice home
nobody calls me on the telephone
so, it’s me and just me
I used to live with my boyfriend Steve
but Steve chose to leave
because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me
but I’ll be okay
I found a new guy I like better anyway
he’s hot, oh, he’s hot
He likes my body and my personality a lot[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]
My dog is my boyfriend
we are in love
he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua
found him on the street and I named him Doug
Doug I love you
I love you big fat neck
Doug is my new boyfriend
don’t worry we don’t have sex
Doug likes romance
Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France
Doug, we just kiss
we talk for hours then I take him out to piss
he watches me while I get ready
then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti
OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak
Even for a moment just to make a squeak
I think I know what you’d say
but I like to imagine it anyway[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]
(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you
I love the way you feed me ham
You’re my life, my love, my everything.
I love you just the way you am
The taste of your bathroom garbage
sends me into overdrive
I’m terrified of vacuum’s
but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive
Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love
until our dying day[Cut to Joan in her room singing]
Joan: You are so cool and so funny
in every single way[Cut to Doug and Joan]
Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky
and together we’ll live forever
Doug: Joan I have to go back.
Joan: No, why?
Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.
Joan: But who said that?
Doug: God, and his friends.
Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.
Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.
Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.
Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]
Joan: Doug I love you
You love me too that’ know
You’re not just my boyfriend
to me you’re the best in show
I love you, Doug