Joe Biden Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 17

Gary…  Kenan Thompson

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Gwen … Kate McKinnon

Jennifer…  Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Douglas…Leslie Jones

[Starts with Gary and Jackie in Biden Campaign headquarters]

Gary: All right, the vice presidents going to be here in a minute. Do you think we can turn this thing around?

Jackie: Yeah, I hope so. You know, Joe’s a good guy, and he means well. He’s just a little behind the times.

Gary: Yeah, I’m sure this whole ordeal is just tearing him up inside.

[Joe Biden walks in the door]

Joe Biden: Hey, oh! Biden’s here!

[Cut to everybody]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Hi, Jackie, how are you? [Joe starts hugging and Jackie and Gary a little too much] Nice to see you dear. So good to see you. Brother man! Come here Gary, brother. How are you doing?

Gary: Alright, hey I’m good.

Joe Biden: Good to see you.

Jackie: Joe, listen. We need to talk to you about something.

Joe Biden: Oh, I know, it’s about my March Madness bracket, right? Look, I know I had Delaware winning the whole thing even though they didn’t make the tournament this year. But hey, it’s better than last year I picked Amtrak Right?

Gary: Yeah Joe, it’s just about all the touchy feely stuff.

Jackie: If you’re really going to run in 2020, you have to change the way you interact with women.

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, you guys know that I’m a tactical politician, right? Okay? I’m a hugger, a kisser, and a little bit of sniffer. The last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone.

Jackie: Well, and that’s why we’ve brought in a Gwen who handles sensitivity training. And she’s going to explain why some of your behavior crossed the line. Gwen, do you want to come in?

[Cut to Gwen enters the room]

Gwen: Hi, Mr. Biden.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Hey, [Joe shakes his hand with Gwen, then puts his forehead on Gwen’s forehead] it’s really great to meet you, Gwen.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President?

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: One second, I’m just connecting. Sorry for the interruption. Really, truly. Thank you. Now, what were you saying?

Gwen: Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of thing I’m here to prevent.

Joe Biden: Okay, okay. Wait, I think nose to nose is going to be okay. Because look, I did the 23 and the meet thing, like Lizzie– what’s her name, Lizzie Warren, right? It turns out that I’m 1% Eskimo. So, I’m allowed to do the kissing. It’s okay.

Gwen: Okay. Well, ideally when you meet a female stranger for the first time there would be no kisses or hugs of any kind.

Joe Biden: Okay, but that’s a human connection. That’s my whole thing. That’s like telling Mario Batali to take his crocs off. You know?

Gwen: Yeah, I wouldn’t bring him into this.

Joe Biden: Speaking of human connection, why don’t we get some vibes going in here. Hey, [Cut to everybody] Alexa, play Lou Rawls. [Music starts playing]

Jackie: Joe, let’s try to focus.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I can think and shimmy at the exact same time. Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Yeah, Alexa, let’s stop playing Lou Rawls.

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Of all the people, [Cut to Gwen and Joe] come on, Gary.

Gwen: Mr. Vice President, let’s discuss how to properly greet a woman.

Joe Biden: Okay, all right. What about a handshake?

Gwen: Handshake is great.

Joe Biden: Good. Okay, what about during that handshake I tickle her palm, something like that?

Gwen: That’s not great.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Gwen: I would say no tickling at all.

Joe Biden: Really? Even on her birthday? Okay, all right. Now, what if I see someone that’s having a hard day? Bear with me, here. And I cheer her up by lifting up her shirt and blowing on her tummy?

Gwen: Absolutely not.

Joe Biden: Okay. Okay. Let me see what else I got. I am still allowed to do something like that gorgeous lift that they do at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’, is that still okay?

Gwen: Who would you do that with?

Joe Biden: Hell, I don’t know, whoever’s strong enough to pick any up. I guess. Coal miner, possibly. Linebacker.

Gwen: Joe, I had a hunch you would be more of a learn by doing type. So I invited a couple of female democratic voters here today who are undecided. I thought it would be helpful if you met them and I could give you some notes.

Joe Biden: Okay. Hey, I promise I will listen and try to learn. So, let’s get them in here. Alexa, play ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top, please.

Jackie: No, no, no, no. They don’t need entrance music, Joe.

Gary: Yeah! [Cut to everybody] Alexa, please stop playing ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Great! Our first voter is from Wisconsin–

Joe Biden: Go badges!

Gwen: –which is obviously a battleground state. She was an employee for General Motors until January when they downsized her unit.

Joe Biden: I would like to upsize my unit. That’s not a joke I would make to her. That obviously just stays in the room. That’s just for us.

Gwen: Jennifer, you want to come in?

[Jennifer walks in the room]

Joe Biden: Jenny. [Cut to everybody] Jenny, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, okay? And then what m I doing? Oh, I know, I should probably just cradle her face in my hands, something like that.

Gwen: Definitely not that.

Joe Biden: Oh, right! I got to keep it neutral. Greet her like I’m greeting a guy. [Joe brags Jennifer into his arm and then rubs his knuckle on Jennifer’s scalp] Come here, you son of a bitch.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Hey, hey, hey! Joe, stop that.

[Cut to Jennifer, Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: No, no! I’m just messing around, okay? Let me tell you why you’re going to vote for Biden, okay—[Jennifer punches Joe on his stomach and leaves] Oh! Ha-ha. Well, you know, I would say she’s still on the fence, that’s clear as day. Whoo.

Gwen: I was going to save this one for last but it’s clear nothing is getting through to you. Our next voter is from Oakland, California. She is a software engineer for Oracle.

Joe Biden: Oh, I love ‘The Matrix’, the whole trilogy. It just keeps better as I go.

Gwen: She’s looking for a candidate who can beat Donald Trump.

Joe Biden: Oh, you mean the guy that actually bragged about assault on tape?

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Yes. Yes, but unlike his voters, your voters actually care.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Let’s bring in Mrs. Douglas.

Joe Biden: Show me Mrs. D.

[Mrs. Douglas comes in. She is very tall and big.]

Mrs. Douglas: Excuse me?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry.

Gwen: What do you say now?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean to overstep.

Mrs. Douglas: Wait a second, I know who you are. Oh, my god, you’re Obama’s Granddaddy!

[Mrs. Douglas walks to Joe and hugs him]

Joe Biden: I sure as hell am, get in here!

Mrs. Douglas: Oh, I love you!

Joe Biden: Low-fi, come on. [Mrs. Douglas slaps Joe’s butt] Boom, boom.

Mrs. Douglas: I’m so going to vote for you.

Joe Biden: Thank you. I love you, baby. Thank you. Appreciate it. [Mrs. Douglas leaves].  Wow, her thumbs. Whoa.

Gwen: That was not how I wanted that to go. Did we learn anything today?

Joe Biden: Oh, yeah. I mean,  not really, no. But the important thing I think is that I’m listening. I hear you. [Joe starts massaging Gwen] And I feel you.

Gwen: Not the right direction.

Joe Biden: So, come on! Let’s hug it out, America, what do you say? Biden and some woman in 2020, right? We can do this.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Wait! Are you making an official announcement right now?

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Oh, I sure am. Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’!

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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