Gary… Kenan Thompson
Jackie… Cecily Strong
Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis
Gwen … Kate McKinnon
Jennifer… Aidy Bryant
Mrs. Douglas…Leslie Jones[Starts with Gary and Jackie in Biden Campaign headquarters]
Gary: All right, the vice presidents going to be here in a minute. Do you think we can turn this thing around?
Jackie: Yeah, I hope so. You know, Joe’s a good guy, and he means well. He’s just a little behind the times.
Gary: Yeah, I’m sure this whole ordeal is just tearing him up inside.
Joe Biden: Hey, oh! Biden’s here![Cut to everybody]
Jackie: Mr. Vice President.
Joe Biden: Hi, Jackie, how are you? [Joe starts hugging and Jackie and Gary a little too much] Nice to see you dear. So good to see you. Brother man! Come here Gary, brother. How are you doing?
Gary: Alright, hey I’m good.
Joe Biden: Good to see you.
Jackie: Joe, listen. We need to talk to you about something.
Joe Biden: Oh, I know, it’s about my March Madness bracket, right? Look, I know I had Delaware winning the whole thing even though they didn’t make the tournament this year. But hey, it’s better than last year I picked Amtrak Right?
Gary: Yeah Joe, it’s just about all the touchy feely stuff.
Jackie: If you’re really going to run in 2020, you have to change the way you interact with women.
Joe Biden: Okay. Look, you guys know that I’m a tactical politician, right? Okay? I’m a hugger, a kisser, and a little bit of sniffer. The last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone.
Jackie: Well, and that’s why we’ve brought in a Gwen who handles sensitivity training. And she’s going to explain why some of your behavior crossed the line. Gwen, do you want to come in?[Cut to Gwen enters the room]
Gwen: Hi, Mr. Biden.
Joe Biden: Hey, [Joe shakes his hand with Gwen, then puts his forehead on Gwen’s forehead] it’s really great to meet you, Gwen.[Cut to Jackie and Gary]
Jackie: Mr. Vice President?[Cut to Gwen and Joe]
Joe Biden: One second, I’m just connecting. Sorry for the interruption. Really, truly. Thank you. Now, what were you saying?
Gwen: Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of thing I’m here to prevent.
Joe Biden: Okay, okay. Wait, I think nose to nose is going to be okay. Because look, I did the 23 and the meet thing, like Lizzie– what’s her name, Lizzie Warren, right? It turns out that I’m 1% Eskimo. So, I’m allowed to do the kissing. It’s okay.
Gwen: Okay. Well, ideally when you meet a female stranger for the first time there would be no kisses or hugs of any kind.
Joe Biden: Okay, but that’s a human connection. That’s my whole thing. That’s like telling Mario Batali to take his crocs off. You know?
Gwen: Yeah, I wouldn’t bring him into this.
Joe Biden: Speaking of human connection, why don’t we get some vibes going in here. Hey, [Cut to everybody] Alexa, play Lou Rawls. [Music starts playing]
Jackie: Joe, let’s try to focus.[Cut to Gwen and Joe]
Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I can think and shimmy at the exact same time. Here we go.
Gary: Yeah, Alexa, let’s stop playing Lou Rawls.[Cut to everybody]
Joe Biden: Of all the people, [Cut to Gwen and Joe] come on, Gary.
Gwen: Mr. Vice President, let’s discuss how to properly greet a woman.
Joe Biden: Okay, all right. What about a handshake?
Gwen: Handshake is great.
Joe Biden: Good. Okay, what about during that handshake I tickle her palm, something like that?
Gwen: That’s not great.
Joe Biden: Okay.
Gwen: I would say no tickling at all.
Joe Biden: Really? Even on her birthday? Okay, all right. Now, what if I see someone that’s having a hard day? Bear with me, here. And I cheer her up by lifting up her shirt and blowing on her tummy?
Gwen: Absolutely not.
Joe Biden: Okay. Okay. Let me see what else I got. I am still allowed to do something like that gorgeous lift that they do at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’, is that still okay?
Gwen: Who would you do that with?
Joe Biden: Hell, I don’t know, whoever’s strong enough to pick any up. I guess. Coal miner, possibly. Linebacker.
Gwen: Joe, I had a hunch you would be more of a learn by doing type. So I invited a couple of female democratic voters here today who are undecided. I thought it would be helpful if you met them and I could give you some notes.
Joe Biden: Okay. Hey, I promise I will listen and try to learn. So, let’s get them in here. Alexa, play ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top, please.
Jackie: No, no, no, no. They don’t need entrance music, Joe.
Gary: Yeah! [Cut to everybody] Alexa, please stop playing ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top.[Cut to Gwen and Joe]
Gwen: Great! Our first voter is from Wisconsin–
Joe Biden: Go badges!
Gwen: –which is obviously a battleground state. She was an employee for General Motors until January when they downsized her unit.
Joe Biden: I would like to upsize my unit. That’s not a joke I would make to her. That obviously just stays in the room. That’s just for us.
Gwen: Jennifer, you want to come in?[Jennifer walks in the room]
Joe Biden: Jenny. [Cut to everybody] Jenny, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, okay? And then what m I doing? Oh, I know, I should probably just cradle her face in my hands, something like that.
Gwen: Definitely not that.
Joe Biden: Oh, right! I got to keep it neutral. Greet her like I’m greeting a guy. [Joe brags Jennifer into his arm and then rubs his knuckle on Jennifer’s scalp] Come here, you son of a bitch.[Cut to Jackie and Gary]
Gary: Hey, hey, hey! Joe, stop that.[Cut to Jennifer, Gwen and Joe]
Joe Biden: No, no! I’m just messing around, okay? Let me tell you why you’re going to vote for Biden, okay—[Jennifer punches Joe on his stomach and leaves] Oh! Ha-ha. Well, you know, I would say she’s still on the fence, that’s clear as day. Whoo.
Gwen: I was going to save this one for last but it’s clear nothing is getting through to you. Our next voter is from Oakland, California. She is a software engineer for Oracle.
Joe Biden: Oh, I love ‘The Matrix’, the whole trilogy. It just keeps better as I go.
Gwen: She’s looking for a candidate who can beat Donald Trump.
Joe Biden: Oh, you mean the guy that actually bragged about assault on tape?[Cut to Jackie and Gary]
Jackie: Yes. Yes, but unlike his voters, your voters actually care.[Cut to Gwen and Joe]
Gwen: Let’s bring in Mrs. Douglas.
Joe Biden: Show me Mrs. D.[Mrs. Douglas comes in. She is very tall and big.]
Mrs. Douglas: Excuse me?
Joe Biden: I’m sorry.
Gwen: What do you say now?
Joe Biden: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean to overstep.
Mrs. Douglas: Wait a second, I know who you are. Oh, my god, you’re Obama’s Granddaddy![Mrs. Douglas walks to Joe and hugs him]
Joe Biden: I sure as hell am, get in here!
Mrs. Douglas: Oh, I love you!
Joe Biden: Low-fi, come on. [Mrs. Douglas slaps Joe’s butt] Boom, boom.
Mrs. Douglas: I’m so going to vote for you.
Joe Biden: Thank you. I love you, baby. Thank you. Appreciate it. [Mrs. Douglas leaves]. Wow, her thumbs. Whoa.
Gwen: That was not how I wanted that to go. Did we learn anything today?
Joe Biden: Oh, yeah. I mean, not really, no. But the important thing I think is that I’m listening. I hear you. [Joe starts massaging Gwen] And I feel you.
Gwen: Not the right direction.
Joe Biden: So, come on! Let’s hug it out, America, what do you say? Biden and some woman in 2020, right? We can do this.[Cut to Jackie and Gary]
Jackie: Wait! Are you making an official announcement right now?[Cut to everybody]
Joe Biden: Oh, I sure am. Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’!