John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue | Season 44 Episode 14

[Starts with SNL monologue intro. Band is playing the music.]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in the door and walks to the stage] [Cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. I’m John Mulaney. If this is your first time ever tuning in, I host every week. [laughter] I’m fully kidding. This is only the second time I’ve hosted. I actually was lucky enough to host the show last April. I believe we have a photo. [Cut to picture of April, 2018 calendar] [laughter] [Cut to John Mulaney]Right. Right, it was April. It’s great to be in New York city, because I live in New York and it’s always convenient to be where you live. I was walking down West 13th street the other day. I was coming down West 13th and this couple was walking towards me. And as I walked passed them, they boyfriend said to me, “Hey cool guy.” And then his girlfriend goes, “Aww, that’s mean”. And I experienced both the compliment and the insult in real time. He was like, “Hey cool guy”. I was like, “Hey”. She was like, “That’s mean”. Was like, “Right”.

I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine. That’s true, me, the person you’re looking at. [laughter] I would smell it into my nose. I get a high from it. Hey, quick tip from my experience, doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you, and in the end, what’s the difference? [laughter]

I’m very happily married now. My wife is Jewish. I was raised catholic which you could all tell from the moment I walked down. [laughter] That’s not a big deal. Getting married, Jewish and catholic. Only, a couple of people asked about it. And they were my parents. [laughter] Before we got married, my mother asked me if my wife was going to convert to Catholicism. You’re right to laugh. It’s a stupid question. [laughter] “Oh, I don’t know, mom. Let me go ask. Let me go see if a 29 year old Jewish woman, who doesn’t like any of my suggestions, [laughter] if she would convert to, what was it again? Roman Catholicism?” [laughter] How would I even have that conversation? What? Do I come home with a brochure? And I’m like, “Hey honey, allow me to tell you about an exciting not new organization. Don’t google us”. [laughter] “You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you voluntarily signed up for it?”

[Cheers and applause]

My wife and I have a French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. She’s great. [Cheers and applause] She’s got a little flat face. She likes to walk but she can’t walk far because she cannot breathe well by design. [laughter] So we push her around New York in a stroller. That’s absolutely true. And this next story is also absolutely true. My wife was pushing our bulldog, Petunia, in a stroller down 7th Avenue South a few months ago. She’s pushing her down 7th Avenue. My wife gets to 7th Avenue and Leroy street. At 7th Avenue and Leroy street, a car pulls up. Out of the car and steps Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn. My wife stares at Woody and Soon Yi. Woody and Soon Yi stare at a woman [laughter] pushing a bulldog in a stroller. The four of them stare at each other. And then they all kind of nod as if to say none of this is right. And then they went their separate ways. [laughter]

I personally take the subway a lot in New York. I love the subway, because of the male and female voices that narrate the subway. That man and that woman. The woman who does the subway announcements and her way too loud husband. [laughter] You know the woman is like, “The next stop is Christopher Street”. [Yelling] “Stand clear of the closing door, please!” [laughter] Why are shouting? What are you, in the next room? I asked my friend who works for the city, “Why is it a male voice and a female voice?” He told me, “Because it’s been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice.” Now that’s it’s own American gender nightmare that we don’t have time to get into. But I have to say I trust that woman more. I like how she says subway stops because she always says them like they are little secret. She’s always like, “The next stop is, [pause] Chambers street”. [laughter] “Assaulting an MTA worker!” I wasn’t going to do that. They warn you about that.

Now, there’s also signs in the back of taxi cab that says, “Murdering a taxi driver will get you 25 years in prison”. Oh, okay, I guess I won’t do it. [laughter] That doesn’t happen in any other industry. Not like in restaurants, they’re like, “Your server Michael will be right over. Oh, by the way, killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class 8 felony. I’m going to get you some bread.” [laughter]

There is so many police car sirens in New York. But there is a new type of siren. It’s been around for past two, three years. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s a new siren.  It’s a little faster, and it also has a fun and funky beat. And I think that cops like to use their siren more because they know it sounds fun and they know it sounds funky. You’ve heard the new siren that is like— [making new siren sounds] It’s like there’s a DJ in the back of the patrol car. It sounds like two sirens talking to each other, like–[making new siren sounds, with hand gesturing as if talking to people] [laughter] It’s so fast. Sirens used to be so slow and beautiful. I was watching this old movie on turner classic movies, because I was not an athletic child. And it was a Hitchcock movie called Rope, and at the end of Rope, there’s a gunshot. Bang. And then you hear this old fashioned siren. And it was slow and beautiful. It was like –[making old siren sounds]  It was like an old, gay cat was dying. [laughter] But not a sad death. Not a sad death. He’s lived a full life and he’s surrounded by loved ones and he’s in hospice. He’s in cat hospice. [laughter] And he’s holding hands with a Rabbi and he’s just kind of ––[making old siren sound]

We have a great show. Thomas Rhett is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

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