Police… Alex Moffat
Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper
Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim
Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant
Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd
Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney
Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang
Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day
Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor
Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon
Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa
[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.
[Cut to the court room]Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.
Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.
Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.
Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.
[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—
[Gavel knocks]Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.
[Cut to Trevor Brisby]Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.
[Cut to Judge Bary]Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.
[Cut to Patricia Jones]Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.
Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.
[Cut to Trevor Bristy]Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.
[Cut to Patricia Jones]Patricia Jones: Excuse me?
[Cut to Trevor Bristy]Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.
Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.
[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.
[Cut to Judith Baker]Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.
Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.
[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.
[Cut to Judith Baker]Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.
[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.
Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.
[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound] [Cut to Judge Barry]
Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.
[Cut to the man with the puppet]Man: But I’m the plaintiff.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.
[Cut to the man with the puppet]Man: But I have a special surprise witness.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?
[Cut to the man with the puppet]Man: All right, I’m going to go.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!
[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound] [Cut to Judge Barry]
Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?
[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.
[Cut to Andrew Wilson]Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?
[Cut to Joanne McCormack]Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.
[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.
Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?
[Cut to Apollo Benz]Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.
[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.
[Cut to Apollo Benz]Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?
[Cut to Apollo Benz]Apollo Benz: My heart.
[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]Glady’s Feldman:
You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.
[Cut to Judge Barry]Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?
[Cut to Apollo Benz]Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.] [Cut to Judge Barry]
Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound] [Ending with First Impression Court outro]
Announcer: It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.
