Mikey Day
Kaylee … Aidy Bryant
Janetta …Kate McKinnon
Crystal … Cecily Strong
Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Gerald … Beck Bennett
[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar] [Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.
Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?
[Cut to Janetta]Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.
Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.
Crystal: Ex.
Kaylee: So, which one?
[Cut to Janetta]Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.
[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.
Janetta: Yeah.
Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?
Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.
[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.
[Cut to Janetta and Jean]Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.
Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.
[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]Crystal: Easy.
Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.
[Cut to Janetta and Jean]Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.
[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]Crystal: Why, Janey girl?
Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.
[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]Crystal: What you want on that cake?
Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.
[Cut to everybody]Jean: A threat?
[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.
Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.
[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.
Crystal: Yeah, me neither.
[Cut to Gerald]Gerald: Hey, ladies.
[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.] [Cut to Gerald]Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.
[Cut to the ladies]Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.
Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.
Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.
[Other ladies are hooting for her] [Cut to Jean and Gerald]You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.
[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.
[Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.
[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.
[Janetta walks to Gerald]Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Janetta and Gerald]
Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.
[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.
[Cut to everybody]Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.
Crystal: That, we sure did.
Janetta: To sisterhood.
Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.
Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.
[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]