Bartender… Kenan Thompson
Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler
Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon
Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]
Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.
Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.[Cut to Sheila]
Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]
Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.[Bartender leaves]
Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.
Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.[Cut to bartender]
Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]
Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?
Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.
Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.
Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.
Sheila Sauvage: Oh![Melba joins]
Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]
Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.
Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.
Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?
Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?
Bernie Letser: No baby.
Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.
Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.
Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?
Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.
Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it] [Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]
Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?
Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.
Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.] [Cut to bartender]
Bartender: Just get your gross on already.[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]
Bernie Letser: You heard the man.
Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.
Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]
Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.
Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]
Bartender: It absolutely is.
Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.
Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]
Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]
Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]
This is the night
such a beautiful night
Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.] [Cut there is an explosion in the bar]