Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant
Principal… David Harbour
Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim
Corrine… Kate McKinnon
Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor
Brittany… Chloe Fineman[Starts with an intro of the show]
Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus
peer mediator on the bus
it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend[Cheers and applause] [Cut to the principal]
The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.[Cut to the audience]
Bowen Yang: Woo![Cut to the principal]
The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.
The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special
once she put me in charge of the classroom
and I felt like I touched the stars
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.
The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]
Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.
Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.
The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.
Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.[Cut to Corrine]
Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.[Corrine leaves the stage]
The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]
Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?[Cut to Dina]
Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Correct. That’s correct.[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.
The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]
Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?[Cut to Brittany]
Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach] [Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]
Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.
The Principal: Please, call me the principal.
Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.
The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]
Everybody: No![Cut to the principal]
The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.[Cut to the audience]
Bowen Yang: Woo![Cut to the principal]
The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]