Angila… Sandra Oh
Cecily Strong
Brian… Mikey Day
Louise… Kate McKinnon
Heidi Gardner
Mark… Kenan Thompson
Brad… Beck Bennett
[Starts with an office meeting]Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.
Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.
Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.
[Cut to Louise and Heidi]Louise: 85!
Heidi Gardner: Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?
Louise: Yes.
[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]Angila: What are you doing Louise?
Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.
Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Uh-huh.
[Cut to Heidi and Brian]Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?
[Cut to everybody]Everybody: Yeah!
Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.
Louise: Oh, thank you very much.
Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Kiss.
[Cut to everybody]Heidi Gardner: What?
Louise: Kiss.
[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]Angila: Is she saying kiss?
Louise: Kiss.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?
[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]Louise: Kiss.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?
[Cut to Louise]Louise: No.
Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.
Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Oh, okay. [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.
[Cut to Heidi and Brian]Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.
[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Okay.
[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]Angila: God, she looks so sad.
Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.
Angila: Cool it Brad.
[Cut to Louise]Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.
[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.
Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.
Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.
Angila: That must be hard, Louise.
Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.
[Cut to Brad and Angila]Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.
Angila: Cool, how?
[Cut to Heidi and Brian]Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—
Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss] [Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]
Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?
[Cut to Louise]Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.
Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?
Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.
Cecily Strong: Louise!
[Cut to Heidi and Brian]Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.
[Cut to everybody]Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.
Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.
Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.
[Cut to Mark and Cecily]Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?
Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?
[Cut to everybody]Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss] [Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]
