Son… Chris Redd
Margaret… Leslie Jones
Maurice… Kenan Thompson
Daughter… Ego Nwodim
Christine… Halsey
Alex Moffat
Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.
Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.
Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.
[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]Daughter: A freelance mailman?
Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.
Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.
Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.
Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]
Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?
Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.
[Cut to Son and Christine]Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.
Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.
Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.
[Cut to Son and Christine]Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?
Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.
Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?
Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.
Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.
[Cut to Son and Christine]Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?
Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.
Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.
Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.
[Cut to Daughter and Christine]Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.
Daughter: Where do you even do this?
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.
Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.
Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.
Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?
Maurice: The red one.
Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?
[Cut to Daughter and Christine]Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.
[Cut to Daughter and Christine]Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?
[Cut to Daughter and Christine]Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.
Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.
[Cut to Maurice]Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?
[Cut to Son]Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.
[Cut to Maurice]Maurice: I could be on Ellen.
[Cut to Son]Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.
[Cut to Maurice]Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.
[Cut to Christine checking her phone]Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.
Maurice: Oh my god.
[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.
[Cut to everybody]Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?
Maurice: Red-velvet.
