Mid-Day News


Kenan Thompson

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Dennis Jones… Chris Redd

[Starts with WANU Midday News intro] [Cut to the news set]

Kenan Thompson: This is the morning, and welcome back to WANU Midday News.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Coming up, the mayor’s office announced a bold new plan to revamp the city’s infrastructure.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: And it’s about time. But first, yet another gas station has fallen prey to an armed robbery. A shell station in the 4,000 block of Pulaski highway was robbed around 11:45 AM this morning making that a total of seven gas stations to be attacked in the last week.

Alex Moffat: Ouff. Scary stuff.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: And we’re told the suspect remains at large. But authorities believe that they now have a credible description of the perp. The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan Thompson and Ego Nwodim and having high-fives]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: I’m sorry, what are you two celebrating?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nothing. We’re just glad that we know what the criminal looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

And he ain’t one of us.

Ego Nwodim: You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m thinking?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Anyway, the suspect—

Kenan Thompson: White guy.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Was last spotted fleeing the scene on foot. So, anyone with information is being asked to contact the MPD immediately.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, help us catch this white criminal.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: In other news, a Ponzi scheme has shaken some of Miami’s wealthiest residents.

Ego Nwodim: That’s one of y’all’s for sure.

Alex Moffat: Clemet Smith of Clemet Smith Investment Securities is accused of committing this egregious white collar crime.

Ego Nwodim: Right there in the name.

Alex Moffat: Smith is said to have been operating a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

Ego Nwodim: Now you know black people ain’t got that kind of money.

Alex Moffat: He was arrested this morning in Boca Raton.

[Cut to a picture of a black young man]

And look at that.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Damn!

Alex Moffat: He’s black.

Ego Nwodim: Really, what?

Kenan Thompson: Okay, so I guess we tied.

[Cut to everybody]

One of ours for one of yours.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: This is ridiculous. No one’s keeping score. Okay. [Cut to Dennis Jones on weather report] We have an update on that tropical storm we’ve been tracking. Let’s hear from WAMU weatherman Dennis Jones. Dennis?

Dennis Jones: Thanks, Pam. We’ve been previously calling a tropical storm. It’s not upgraded to a category hurricane, as you see here, destroying everything in its path with incredible high winds. We’re calling this one Hurricane Chet. And that’s a white man’s name if I ever heard one.

[Cut to everybody in the news set]

Ego Nwodim: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: And that makes two of y’all, one of us. We in the lead, back in the game. Gang, gang. Gang, gang.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No way. That doesn’t not count. Hurricanes are not white.

Kenan Thompson: Unless they’re named Chet.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex Moffat: Okay! Can we move on from this petty game please?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, because y’all losing.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, how convenient.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s just get back to the news. A Ft. Launderdale man was apprehended outside of a – cracker barrel.

Ego Nwodim: Um-hmm. Keep going.

Alex Moffat: For cutting brake lines on dozen bird-scooters.

Ego Nwodim: You know only white people got that kind of time.

Alex Moffat: Okay. Yeah. So, he’s white, so what?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: So now we’re down to one.

Kenan Thompson: It’s not looking too goof for y’all today. In other news, a shopper was apprehended by security at Oceanside mall for assaulting a man who stepped on his Air Jordan’s.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say Air Jordan’s?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Oh, that’s black for sure.

Ego Nwodim: Damn.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: You know, I knew it. I knew it as soon as I saw it. Right.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Okay. And how about this one? A local woman attacked a cashier at a nail shop after they refused to take her welfare card.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my lord.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Police say they’re looking for a 19-year-old white—Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Whoo! That’s three, baby!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Nice!

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s get that back. Police say a Latino man—

Ego Nwodim: Ah! Skip that one. We don’t need that. Okay, how about this? How about a man on rock climbing trip was mauled by a bison for the second time in three months. See, y’all don’t learn. Y’all don’t like to learn.

Alex Moffat: Okay, just keep reading.

Ego Nwodim: This incident happened in the Utah National State park.

Alex Moffat: Not looking good.

Ego Nwodim: The family of the man now identified as Laquan Tankin.

Alex Moffat: Yes!

Ego Nwodim: Baby, what are you dong?

Alex Moffat: What an upset.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: A Laquan? Rock climbing? In Utah?

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: That’s okay. We still tied up baby.  Let’s go.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: All right. Next one takes it. A man dressed as the joker— Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Good game. Good game.

[Starts with WANU Midday News outro]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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