Host… Kenan Thompson
Carrie… Rachel Brosnahan
Dylan Knot… Pete Davidson
Milanie… Aidy Bryant
Parrot head boomer… Cecily Strong[Starts with Millennial Millions intro]
Narrator: A mortgage, debt relief, health insurance are just cash. All these could be your’s today on Millennial Millions. Here’s your host, [Cut to stage with Dave, Carrie and Dylan] Dave Tulane.[Cut to Host]
Host: Hello. Hello and welcome to Millennial Millions. We have got two young contestants [Cut to Carie and Dylan] here today. Carrie, why don’t you tell us about yourself.[Cut to Carie]
Carrie: Hey, Dave. I’m 26 years old and I love to get that health insurance because my company uses a lot of freelancers and we don’t get benefits.[Cut to Host]
Host: Well, it’s tough to work at a start up. What’s the name of your company?
Carrie: Google.[Cut to Host]
Host: Great, we have Dylan Knot. [Cut to Dylan] How are you Dylan?
Dylan: I’m doing great Dave. I’m 25. I have a masters from NYU and I’m an intern at Burger King.[Cut to Host]
Host: Oh, the corporate office?[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: No.[Cut to Host]
Host: Well, that’s rough. Well the good news is you Millennials can win lots of cash and prizes. Just don’t let it all get taken by our baby boomers. [Cut to the stage. We can see baby boomers at the backstage behind the wall because of back light] [Boomer sound] Yes, that’s right, behind the wall are several boomers just waiting to take that money for themselves. [Cut to Host] Our friend Milanie has a song about them. Come on out.
Milanie: Well, good evening. [Cut to Milanie] Now, who are the boomers?
Well, their parents came home from World War II
and had a lot of sex and had a lot of kids
and kids grew up in a prosperous time
where America was the only Super Power left.
Then they played all the music and did all the drugs
and had all the sex and they all went to college
and got all the jobs and made all the money
and bought all the houses and they won’t ever die.
They’re the boomers!
Host: Thank you, Melanie. I hope that sums it up. Carrie, give us a start.[Cut to Carrie. She’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]
Carrie: Okay. Here we go. Come on, health insurance! And stop.
Host: Okay. You got social security.
Carrie: Wow, awesome. Free money when I’m old.
Host: Oh, well, not if boomer takes it all first. Who do we got? [Cut to the stage. Parrot head boomer comes out of the door dancing] [Cut to Parrot Head Boomer dancing and drinking her cocktail] Okay, it’s the parrot head boomer. That’s right. She worked as a banker for 30 stable years and then got an $8 million severance and moved to Key West. [Cut to Host] Now Carrie, this boomer is going to complain for 30 seconds. Make it that whole time without interrupting and the social security is yours.[Cut to Carrie]
Carrie: Okay. That sounds easy.[Cut to Host]
Host: It sounds easy, but I know how you Millennials love anything that challenges your world view. 30 seconds on the clock. And go![Cut to split screen. Parrot head boomer at the left and Carrie at the right]
Parrot Head Boomer: You young people have it so easy and you sit around eating avocado toast watching movies on your phone. I never had that. I had to work. I mean $8 million is not what it used to be. So of course I’m taking the social security–
Carrie: I’m sorry. I can’t. You are taking the social security. Bitch, you are rich! [Buzzer sound] [Cut to Host]
Host: Oh, sorry, Carrie. You didn’t keep your cool.
Carrie: It feels so unfair.
Host: Well, [Cut to Host] maybe you can tweet about it. That will solve everything. [Host laughs] My goodness. I’m just playing. I’m Gen-X. I sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn. Devin, you’re up.[Cut to Dylan. He’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]
Dylan: Great, let’s do this. Come on, mortgage. And stop.
Host: Okay. Debt relief. [Cut to Host] Now Dylan, this prize can pay off your college loans up to $100,000.[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Awesome. That will cover like half.
Host: Oh but wait! I think a boomer wants some of that money. Who’s there? [Cut to the stage. Collector boomer comes out of the door dancing and gesturing as playing guitar] Okay, [Cut to collector boomer] it’s the collector boomer. His finished his latter years of wiring everything he wanted in his youth. He owns six vintage cars and a wall of guitars. [Cut to the Host] But somehow he’s only an orthodontist.[Cut to Collector Boomer]
Collector Boomer: Now this is music![Cut to the Host]
Host: Okay Dylan. We will give you the debt relief if you listen to our collector boomer without interrupting. Start this clock and go.[Cut to split screen. Collector boomer at the left and Dylan at the right]
Collector Boomer: It’s crazy. I’d love to retire and free up a job for younger person. We’ve got the house in Jersey. There are house out on the cape which is a tax nightmare and this Scottsdale place. I mean it’s too much. What am I supposed to do.
Dylan: Sell one! Nobody needs that many houses! [Dylan leaves the show] [Buzzers sound] [Cut to Host]
Host: Oh! Too bad. Looks like Dylan left in a Millennial submit. I guess he had to find a safe space. [Host laughs] Again, I am Gen-X. I just sit back and do nothing like a referee at Wrestle Mania. Okay, Carrie, it’s your lucky day. That means you get to play for the boomer birth right bonanza. That’s right. That’s a full time job, a starter home, no student debt and we will throw in the social security. In other words, you will get everything the boomers got just for being born at the right time.
Carrie: Great. That hurts to hear.[Cut to Host]
Host: But, to win it you have to spend 30 seconds getting a life advice from the toughest boomer of all. [Cut to the stage with Host and Carrie] [Boomer Sound] Your dad![The door opens. Dad comes out of the door.] [Cut to Dad]
Dad: Hi, pumpkin.
Host: All right. We have to take a break. [Cut to Host] But dad, give us a taste of what you are going to tell her.[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Well, I was going to explain that I don’t have student loans because I worked my way through college—[Cut to Carrie]
Carrie: Yeah, right dad, because college cost $300 back then.[Cut to Host]
Host: Oh, don’t just start without me now. This is going to be good. We’ll be right back.[Cut to outro of the show]