Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy
Christine… Cecily Strong
Tova… Aidy Bryant
Rebecca… Kate McKinnon
Edmond… Alex Moffat
[Starts with intro of the show]
Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.
[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house]
[Door knocks]
Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?
[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]
Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.
[Christine slowly walks in]
Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.
Christine: Okay, this is happening.
Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?
[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]
Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.
[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]
Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.
[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]
Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?
Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.
[Cut to Christine]
Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.
[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]
Tova: Christine? Christine?
Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.
[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]
Tova: Oh, my god.
Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.
Tova: The Tumnus.
Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?
[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]
Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.
Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.
Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?
[Cut to everybody]
Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?
Tova: Oh, full body, yes.
Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.
[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]
Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.
Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.
[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]
Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.
[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]
Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.
Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?
Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.
[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]
Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.
[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]
Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.
[Cut to Christine]
Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.
[Cut to everybody]
Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.
[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]
Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.
Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.
[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]
Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.
[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]
Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?
[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]
Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.
Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.
[Cut to Edmond]
Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.
[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]
Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.
Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?
Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.
Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”
[Ends with an outro]
