Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant
Joshua… Kit Harrington
Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong
Devon… Kyle Mooney
Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon
Lucas… Mikey Day
Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones
Daniel… Chris Redd
Judge… Kenan Thompson
Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]
Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.
This is Nephews 2019
Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]
Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?
Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.[Cut to Joshua]
Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.[Cut to Aunt Carla]
Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.[Devon joins Aunt Carla]
Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.
Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.
Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?[Cut to Devon]
Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.[Cut to Joshua]
Joshua: Correct![Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]
Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?
Devon: I can fix the printer.
Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.[Cut to Aunt Eileen]
Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]
Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers
A nephew is a song you can hug
Happy birthday to all the nephews
Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.[Cut to Joshua]
Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?[Cut to Lucas]
Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]
Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.[Cut to Joshua]
Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.
Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]
Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet
big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones
I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail
Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.[Cut to Joshua]
Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?[Cut to Daniel]
Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]
Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]
Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?[Cut to the judge]
Judge: The boy.[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Joshua: Which one, judge?[Cut to the judge]
Judge: The boy wins.[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.[Cut to the judge]
Judge: Joshua.[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]
Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.
It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA