Glen… Beck Bennett
Jenny… Aidy Bryant
Janet… Melissa Villaseñor
Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson
Charlie… Kenan Thompson
Amanda… Cecily Strong
David… Bowen Yang[Starts with a man announcing in his office]
Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.
Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.[Cut to the employees]
Jenny: Thank god.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.[Cut to the employees]
Janet: Not Charlie.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.
Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.[Cut to the employees]
Mikey: Oh, you think?[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.[Cut to Janet]
Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”[Cut to the employees]
Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.
Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.[Cut to the employees]
Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.[all employees clap] [Cut to Glen]
Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.
Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.
David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.[Cut to the employees]
David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.
Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.
David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”[Cut to the employees]
David: Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.
Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?
Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: What?
Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.[Cut to the employees]
Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.[Cut to the employees]
Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.
Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.
Janet: We all did. It was a partly.[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]
Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.
Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.
Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.
Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?
Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.[Cut to the employees]
Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.
David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.[Cut to Charlie]
Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.[Cut to Charlie]
Charlie: Oh, you notice that.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.[Cut to Charlie]
Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.[Cut to Charlie]
Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.