Dad… Paul Rudd
Christine… Heidi Gardner
Samantha… Cecily Strong
Ego Nwodim
Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.] [Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.
Christine: Okay, bye, dad.
Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.
[Dad leaves the room]Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.
[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]Samantha: Ooh, cool. Ouija board.
Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.
Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.
[Thunder sounds] [Smoke begins to come out of nowhere] [A demon comes out of the smoke]Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.
Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.
[Cut to the girls]Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?
[The girls get shy] [Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.
[Cut to the girls]Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!
Samantha: Demon, thank you.
Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.
Girls: Pizza!
Aidy Bryant: Totally.
Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.
Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!
[Cut to Samantha and Ego]Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.
[Cut to Samantha and Ego]Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.
Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.
[Cut to everybody] [Dad enters the room]Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?
[Cut to everybody]Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.
[Cut to dad]Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.
[Dad leaves] [Cut to the girls]Christine: Dads.
Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.
[Cut to the girls]Samantha: What are you even talking about?
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.
[Cut to the girls]Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–
Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.
[Cut to Bealthor]Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.
[Bealthor leaves the room] [Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?
[Cut to everybody] [Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.
[Cut to dad]Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?
[Cut to the girls]Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.
[Cut to dad]Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.
[Cut to everybody]Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.
Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.
[Bealthor enters the room]Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.
[Bealthor walks to the door]Dad: Bealthor, wait.
[Cut to dad and Bealthor]These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?
[Cut to everybody]Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.
[Cut to dad and Bealthor]Bealthor: Really?
[Cut to everybody]Everybody: Yes!
Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?
Everybody: Me!
