Dad… Paul Rudd
Christine… Heidi Gardner
Samantha… Cecily Strong
Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor
Aidy Bryant[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.] [Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]
Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.
Christine: Okay, bye, dad.
Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.[Dad leaves the room]
Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]
Samantha: Ooh, cool. Ouija board.
Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.
Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.[Thunder sounds] [Smoke begins to come out of nowhere] [A demon comes out of the smoke]
Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.
Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.[Cut to the girls]
Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?[The girls get shy] [Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.[Cut to the girls]
Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!
Samantha: Demon, thank you.
Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.
Aidy Bryant: Totally.
Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.
Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple![Cut to Samantha and Ego]
Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.[Cut to Samantha and Ego]
Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.
Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.[Cut to everybody] [Dad enters the room]
Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?[Cut to everybody]
Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.[Cut to dad]
Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.[Dad leaves] [Cut to the girls]
Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.[Cut to the girls]
Samantha: What are you even talking about?[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.[Cut to the girls]
Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–
Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.[Cut to Bealthor]
Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.[Bealthor leaves the room] [Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]
Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?[Cut to everybody] [Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]
Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.[Cut to dad]
Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?[Cut to the girls]
Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.[Cut to dad]
Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.[Cut to everybody]
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.
Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.[Bealthor enters the room]
Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.[Bealthor walks to the door]
Dad: Bealthor, wait.[Cut to dad and Bealthor]
These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?[Cut to everybody]
Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.[Cut to dad and Bealthor]
Bealthor: Really?[Cut to everybody]
Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?