Director… Mikey Day
Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon
Mr. Richard… Will Farrell
Daughter… Heidi Gardner
Son… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.
Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.
Son: It’s legit, like, good.
[Cut to Director]Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.
Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”
Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.
Daughter: No! Oh, my god!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!
[Cut to Director]Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!
[Cut toMr. Richard]
Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: This is so good.
Son: Best pizza ever!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?
Mrs. Richard: No!
Director: You don’t?
Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.
Director: Are you doing okay mom?
Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.
Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?
Son: Mom, be happy. Please.
[Cut to Director]Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!
[Cut to the Richard’s family]Director: How about some pepperoni?
Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!
Son and Daughter: Alright!
Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.
Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.
Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?
Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!
Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Mom, what?
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.
Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.
[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.] [Cut to Director]Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Dad! Awkward!
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!
Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]
Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?
Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.
[Mrs. Richard walks in]Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!
Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.
Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.
Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.
[Cut to the Richards]Mrs. Richard: What did you say?
Daughter: You’re our mom.
Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.
Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!
Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.
Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?
All: Yeah!
Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.
[Cheers and applause]