Rick… Kenan Thompson
Betty… Halsey
Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor
Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson
Jug-head… Beck Bennett
Alex Moffat
[Starts with film shooting scene]Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.
Betty: Got it.
Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.
Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.
Rick: And action!
[Betty and Jug-head start acting]Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.
Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!
Betty: I love you.
Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!
Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.
Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor on the gurney, are you all right?
[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.
[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?
[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?
[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]Rick: Yes, sure.
Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.
[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.
[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.
[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]Rick: Yeah, exactly.
Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?
Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.
[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down] [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]
Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!
[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.
Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.
[Corpse starts to shiver hard]Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.
Rick: Stop it!
[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.
Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.
[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.
[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.
Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.
Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.
Rick: Why?
Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.
Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.
[Rick walks in]Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!
[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.
Rick: No.
Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?
Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.
Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.
[Cut to Rick]Rick: Fine. I give up. Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!
[Clapperboard person joins]Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.
[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.
Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!
Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.
Corpse: Avenge me!
