Peter Toppman… Mikey Day
Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat
David Kooseman… Idris Elba
Anna… Heidi Gardner
Rose… Melissa Villaseñor
Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett
[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]
Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.
[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]
Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.
Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.
Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.
Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.
Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.
David Kooseman: Yeah.
Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.
David Kooseman: Yeah.
Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Nah.
[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]
Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?
David Kooseman: Which one?
Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.
[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]
Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.
Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?
David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]
[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]
Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.
Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.
Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.
Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.
[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]
Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal. What do you say to the boys before the match?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”
[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]
Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.
David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David] you’re too small, look at you.
Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.
Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.
Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?
[Cut to David]
David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?
[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]
Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.
Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.
David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.
Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.
Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.
