Kenan
Glen… Pete Davidson
Tom… Beck Bennett
Barbara… Cecily Strong
Phil… Mikey Day
Kyle Mooney
Alex Moffat
Halsey
[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.
Glen: You going to get mad?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?
[Cut to Glen]Glen: Mr. T.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.
[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.
Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.
Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?
[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]Kyle Mooney: I have a question.
Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.
Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.
Kenan: Who is your hero?
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.
[Cut to Kyle]Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.
Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Black booty?
[Cut to Phil]Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?
[Cut to Phil]Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.
Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?
Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Still wrong.
[Cut to Alex]Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: I just answered that.
Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: What was the contest?
[Cut to Tom]Tom: Blackest face.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Am I in hell?
[Cut to Glen]Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.
[Cut to Barbara]Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?
[Cut to Barbara]Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Why did you even ask?
[Cut to Barbara]Barbara: For next time.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.
[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.
[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.
Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?
[Cut to Halsey]Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.
[Cut to Halsey]Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.
[Cut to everyone]Barbara: That is an awesome idea.
Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.
[Cut to Kenan]Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.
[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.] [Cut to Kenan]Or the 90s.
[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.] [Cut to Kenan]All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.
[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.
Tom: We can still do the voice, right?
Everyone: Yeah. Of course.
