Glen… Pete Davidson
Tom… Beck Bennett
Barbara… Cecily Strong
Phil… Mikey Day
Halsey[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]
Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.
Glen: You going to get mad?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Mr. T.
Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]
Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.
Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.
Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?
Kyle Mooney: I have a question.
Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.
Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.
Kenan: Who is your hero?[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.
Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s![Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.[Cut to Phil]
Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Black booty?[Cut to Phil]
Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?[Cut to Phil]
Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.
Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?
Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Still wrong.[Cut to Alex]
Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: I just answered that.[Cut to Tom]
Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: What was the contest?[Cut to Tom]
Tom: Blackest face.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Am I in hell?[Cut to Glen]
Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Why did you even ask?[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: For next time.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]
Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]
Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.
Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?[Cut to Halsey]
Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.[Cut to Halsey]
Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.[Cut to everyone]
Barbara: That is an awesome idea.
Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.] [Cut to Kenan]
Or the 90s.[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.] [Cut to Kenan]
All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]
Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.
Tom: We can still do the voice, right?
Everyone: Yeah. Of course.