Becker Sheek… Kenan Thompson
Jacqueline Shat… Jennifer Lopez
Matt Shat… Mikey Day
Carpenter Steve… Beck Bennett
Designer Riley… Bowen Yang
[Starts with Surprise Home Makeover intro]
Announcer: HGTV’s Surprise Home Makeover, holiday edition. Ho, ho, yay!
[Cut to the show host]
Becker Sheek: Hey there, Becker Sheek here. Outside the home of Matt and Jacqueline Shats, a husband and wife who entered and won a surprise home makeover. Let’s go surprise them.
[Becker Sheek knocks the door]
[The door opens]
[Matt and Jacqueline Shats walks out]
Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god, you’re Becker Sheek.
Becker Sheer: That’s right. In the flesh! I’m looking for Matt and Jacqueline because they’ve just won a home makeover.
Jacqueline Shat: What? Oh, my god! That’s me! I’m Jacqueline. Is your husband home?
Matt Shat: Yes.
Becker Sheer: Could you go get him, sir?
Jacqueline Shat: This is him. This is my husband.
Matt Shat: Hi, I’m Matt. Such a big fan, man.
Becker Sheer: This man is the man that you are married to?
Jacqueline Shat: Yes. I cannot believe that we won. My mind is blown right now.
Becker Sheer: Yes, that makes two of us. Just so I’m clear, you two are married.
Jacqueline Shat: Last time I checked.
Becker Sheer: Would you check again?
Jacqueline Shat: When I asked you to marry me, you said yes, right?
[Matt Shat giggles]
Becker Sheer: You asked him?
Matt Shat: Yes. And on the third time I finally said yes.
Becker Sheer: Third time? You know what, lets just go inside. How about we go inside. Come on folks.
[They all walk in the house]
Matt Shat: Oh my god.
Jacqueline Shat: This is crazy.
Matt Shat: I cannot believe this is happening to me. Like, I never get lucky like this.
Becker Sheer: Alright. I would say you get very lucky.
Jacqueline Shat: Oh, sorry about the mess. We weren’t expecting company Matt’s smurf stuff is everywhere.
Becker Sheer: He’s into smurfs! I’m sorry.
Matt Shat: I smurfing love them!
Becker Sheer: “Surprise home makeover.” Living up to it’s name today. Joining is now via satellite. From our workshop in Texas is one of our elves.
[Carpenter Steve appears on a small box at left bottom corner.]
Carpenter Steve: Hey, Matt and Jacqueline.
Matt Shat: Carpernter Steve!
Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! We love Carpenter Steve! Hi!
Becker Sheer: Alright, Steve, tell us what you have planned for their renovation.
[Cut to Carpenter Steve]
Carpenter Steve: Well, Becker, I think accessibility is they key. We need to make it safe and easy for Jacqueline to get around the house since she’s visually impaired.
[Cut to the Shats and Carpenter Steve in split screens]
Jacqueline Shat: I’m not blind, Carpenter Steve.
Carpenter Steve: Oh, no? So what is it then? A green card thing?
Jacqueline Shat: Green card? No, no, we were both born here.
Matt Shat: Yes, you’re looking at two plain old born Americans.
Carpenter Steve: I just see one.
Carpenter Steve: What’s that?
[Becker Sheer interferes]
Becker Sheer: Okay. Why don’t we check back in with carpenter Steve a little later. Let’s talk about the biggest problem with your current house, storage.
Jacqueline Shat: Yes, we have no closet space. Matt, show them where you have to keep your roller blades.
Matt Shat: Oh, yeah! I have to keep my sports stuff here.
[Matt Shat tries to reach his roller blade on the top of the shelf. His tattoo on his lower back is showing.]
Becker Sheer: Okay, wait a minute. Oh, my god! America, Matt Shat has a “SMURF LIFE” tramp stamp. Oh, my god. It’s a full Smurf. What is wrong with you, man?
Matt Shat: I konw, I know. I’m embarrassed. I should have got papa smurf.
Becker Sheer: If I may ask, what do you do for living Jacqueline?
Jacqueline Shat: I do what Amalclooney does.
Becker Sheer: Oh, so human rights lawyer. And you, Matt?
Matt Shat: Um, right now, I have a lot of irons in the fire–
Becker Sheer: So, unemployed?
Matt Shat: Yes.
Becker Sheer: Yes, okay. If you’re just tuning in, I’m here with makeover winners Jacqueline, a human rights lawyer, bronze goddess and her husband by choice, Matt Shat, an unemployed smurf man.
Jacqueline Shat: I still can’t believe we won.
Matt Shat: It’s smurfing crazy!
Becker Sheer: Well, Shats, somebody special would like to say hello. Everyone’s favorite interior decorator, designer Riley!
[Designer Riley walks in with a reindeer nose]
Designer Riley: Hey, gang, how is it glowing?
Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! Designer Riley in my house right now.
Becker Sheer: Designer Riley, you’ve seen the Shat’s contest submission and I know you’ve got some ideas.
Designer Riley: We’ve got a real fixer upper on our hands here but I think we start with a different hair cut for sure.
Becker Sheer: Sorry, Riley, I meant the house.
Designer Riley: Oh, open concept, shiplap, the same stuff we always do.
Jacqueline Shat: Open concept. Kind of like our marriage.
Matt Shat: Oh, my god. Baby, come on! That’s private.
Becker Sheer: That’s it! That’s why you two are together. He lets you step out.
Jacqueline Shat: Me? Oh, no, never. But he’s got needs that I can’t always meet, you know? You can’t keep a stallion in the stable.
Designer Riley: I’m sorry. I have to do this. [Designer Riley feels Matt Shat’s penis] Nope, he’s totally average. Average?
Becker Sheer: Average? It’s average! Oh, no! I think I smell burnt toast, I think I might be having – a damn sure smurf. Sorry. We’ll be right back. What is wrong with you?
