Tabitha… Leslie Jones
Craig… Kenan Thompson
Lauren Hobbs… Rachel Brosnahan
Mary Butler… Cecily Strong
Daniel… Mikey Day
Steven… Beck Bennett
Narrator: It’s Tabitha.[Cut to Tabitha in her set]
Tabitha: Welcome back. I have a big announcement. My book, [Tabitha takes her book out] “The Obedient Husband” just made the “New York Times” bestseller list. [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. This book has helped so many couples. I couldn’t have done it without my wonderful husband, Craig. Thank you baby.[Cut to Craig sitting between the audience, quiet and smiling] [Cut to Tabitha]
Now, Craig is a great husband, but like all of us, he is not perfect. Before I was on TV, I was a life coach and a dog trainer. And one thing we emphasized in both dogs and husbands was communication. Let your spouse know when he’s doing something that you don’t like. Like the other day, I was annoyed after coming back from the grocery store. Take a look.[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. There’s a bag wrapper on the floor] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]
Okay, I just got home and I see a bag of rolls on the floor. [Craig is sitting on a sofa. He’s quiet and guilty] Craig? Craig? Did you eat all the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Craig shakes his head gesturing no. He doesn’t speak a word.] Craig? Craig, I just bought these, Craig. [Craig looks away] Did you eat them? Craig! Craig! Craig, did you eat the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Tabitha takes the wrapper near Craig’s face] Craig. Look at me, Craig![Cut to Tabitha]
Now, Craig knew that was bad, right, Craig? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] See, this is all outlining chapter 5, The Power of Shame. Craig, remember when you had that football party? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] Take a look.[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. Their house is a mess after a party] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]
Oh, my god, look at this! What a mess! Who did this? [Craig is standing at the corner facing the wall] Craig! Craig, did you do this? Oh, my god. Craig. Craig. Craig. Did you have a party? [Craig shakes his head no] Craig, did you have a party here? What’s that on your face, Craig? What’s that on your face? [Craig hides his face behind the plant] Is that cheese doodle dust? Is that cheese doodle dust? I can see it, Craig.[Cut to Tabitha]
Craig knew I was disappointed. Now, this technique has worked for hundreds of women and I brought two of them here today. Please welcome Lauren Hobbs and Mary Butler.[Cut to the stage. Lauren and Mary walk in.]
Thank you for being here and thank you for reading my book.
Lauren Hobbs: Oh my god. [Cut to Lauren and Mary] I loved the book. It has improved my relationships so much.
Mary Butler: Mine, too. You’re amazing Tabatha.[Cut to Tabitha]
Tabitha: It’s not me. There are techniques that have worked for years for both husbands and dogs. Now Lauren, you have a boyfriend who just can’t grow up. He parties and stays out too late?[Cut to Lauren Hobbs]
Lauren Hobbs: Well, I used to. Daniel and his friends would just go crazy, but with your techniques, they learn to respect my concerns. Look.[Cut to vertical video taken from Lauren’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of Daniel and Benjamin standing in the kitchen] [Lauren is talking to Daniel and Benjamin as if she’s talking to the dogs.]
Daniel, Benjamin, who drank too much and bought an Xbox on Amazon Prime? [Daniel and Benjamin keep quiet] Daniel. Benjamin. Well, I know it was somebody. Who bought it? [Benjamin raises and puts is hand on Daniel’s shoulder] Daniel, [Daniel looks down guilty] I’m very disappointed.[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]
Tabitha: Great communication, Lauren.
Lauren Hobbs: OH well, and he has been careful with his online hopping ever since. Haven’t you, honey?[Cut to Daniel in the audience. He’s nodding his head like a dog.] [Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]
Tabitha: But I hear he hasn’t stopped the party.
Lauren Hobbs: Well, no, but we are working on that. [Cut to Lauren] I actually had to resort to your advanced shaming technique where I made a sign and took a picture of him next to it.[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]
Tabitha: Hmm, let’s see that. [Cut to picture of Daniel with a sigh board that says “I hide meat in the couch.” (impression of a dog)] I hide meat in the couch.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren Hobbs: Yeah, he kept drinking late at night then bingeing on slices deli ham. But I never found the meat in the couch after that.[Cut toTabitha]
Tabitha: Wonderful. And Mary? Your husband was being a little too secretive.[Cut to Mary]
Mary Butler: Yeah, he was Tabitha, but using your techniques, I think helped both of us. Look at this.[Cut to vertical video taken from Mary’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of confronting Steven about his hidden family photograph] [Lauren is talking to Steven as if she’s talking to a dog.]
Steven, I found this picture in your sock drawer. Is this your other family? Steven! [Steven is scared and does not make an eye contact] Did you leave town on business and start a secret family? Steven! Did you do that? Steven! Is that your baby? Oh, Steven![Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]
Tabitha: Oh, my god!
Mary Butler: Don’t worry, Steven says [Cut to Mary] it was all a misunderstanding. It’s all about communication, right?[Cut to Tabitha]
Tabitha: Girl, I think you need more than communication problems. When we come back, I’ll show you what Craig did to the vacuum.[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]
Lauren Hobbs: He has been so bad!
Tabitha: So bad.