The Corporal


Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Lopez

The corporal… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a show’s intro]

Announcer: Now we return to 1955. What do you figure is going on in that house?

[Cut to two women grooming each other]

Aidy: Well, sister, today is the day.

Kate: Yes. The corporal is coming for a visit to pick a wife.

Aidy: Yes. That’s right. He’s going to pick between us sisters, whoever is the most beautiful.

Kate: Well, we know he’ll take me because I’m the prettiest sister.

Aidy: No, I’m the prettiest sister.

[Third sister comes in]

Jennifer: Sisters. Did I miss the corporal?

Aidy and Kate: [yelling] No, get back in the room!

Jennifer: You’ll tell me when he’s here, right?

Aidy and Kate: Absolutely.

Jennifer: Well, I hope he likes me. Why do we keep all these mirrors covered? I wish I knew what I looked like.

Aidy: No, you don’t. You look like a toad.

Kate: Yes. Like a stinky man foot.

Aidy: Yes, look. We have a photograph of you.

[Aidy shows a horrible drawing of a stick-person]

Jennifer: Oh, that’s me?

Aidy: Yes, this is the best one we’ve got.

Kate: Yes, now go back upstairs.

Jennifer: You’re so good to me.

[Jennifer leaves]

Aidy: Seeing her for some reason, makes me want to put on a lot of make-up.

Kate: Me as well.

Aidy: Fine!

[Aidy and Kate walks to the mirror and starts putting on some makeup]

Kate: Here we are. I’ll put on some rouge to impress the corporal.

Aidy: Ah! Well, so will I. He’ll have no choice but to find me gorgeous.

Kate: Yes. Then I’ll put on more. I’ll be so pink he’ll have to make me his new wife.

Aidy: Well sister, you look stressed. Here, I made you a drink.

Kate: Why, that’s a cup of pills.

Aidy: Ah, so it is.

Kate: Oh, you just reminded me. Cartier sent a necklace for you. OH. Here, try this on. [It’s a rope people use for hanging to take their lives]

Aidy: Why, that’s a rope.

Kate: Oh, silly me.

Aidy: Well, sister, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Here, I’ll get it for you. [Aidy points a gun at Kate]

Kate: That’s a shot gun. Oh, well, so it is. I thought it was a Q-tip.

[Cut to the third sister walking in]

Jennifer: Sisters! I heard a commotion. Has the corporal arrived?

Aidy and Kate: Get back in the room!

Jennifer: Please, can’t I stay? I’ve never seen a man. Can’t I have a peek?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: What do you think?

Aidy: Well, we can’t have her barging in. Let’s keep her close but keep her hidden.

Kate: Right, right.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Sister, you can stay but you have to be a coat rack.

Jennifer: Well, of course. Because of how ugly I am. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll be a coat rack. Like this.

[Jennifer poses with her hands behind her head.]

Aidy and Kate: No, no.

Kate: That’s too ugly. Wroof! Is there a dog in here?

Aidy: Yeah, that won’t do. I know, we’ll put you in the bird cage.

Jennifer: Yes. Good idea. [Jennifer walks in the big bird’s cage herself] While I’m in here, I’ll make myself useful and polish the bars.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy and Kate: No. no. no.

Aidy: The corporal would hate that.

Kate: We can’t have her move.

Aidy: I know, it’s too damn hot when she moves.

Kate: Yes! Right.

Aidy: Let’s tie her to the bed.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Yes. Tie my hands above my head and make sure my feet are far apart so I can’t untie with my toes.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy:  Okay, you know what? Hearing that out loud, that sounds ugly.

Kate: Right, right. Maybe grunt a lot so he knows you’re a toad.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh, good idea. Good idea. [Jennifer starts moaning] Oh! Oh! OH! OH!

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, men hate that. And even I hate that a little bit.

Kate: She needs to be silent.

Jennifer: Good idea. [Cut to Jennifer] Maybe—maybe you should stuff a big sausage in my mouth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: That feels like something.

Aidy: Yes. Sister, try to hide her is making it harder. You’re right. We need to take care of her.

Kate: Sister, listen, if you want to meet the corporal, you’ll need to know how to kiss.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Wait! Do you think he’d want to kiss me? A girl with a deadly shellfish allergy?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, that’s why you have to practice on this man. [Aidy gives Jennifer a lobster]

Jennifer: So, that’s what a man looks like?

Kate: Yes, They’re small, and they’re lobsters.

Jennifer: Okay. Hello. [Jennifer starts kissing the lobster] Oh, oh, no. It is making my lips swell. Oh, no, he’ll hate this.

[Jennifer is pouting]

Aidy: Okay. We have to shoot her.

[Kate takes a gun out shoots at Jennifer. It only cuts off her upper dress and the dress becomes strapless.]

Aidy and Kate: No!

Aidy: Now it’s strapless. And she’s gorgeous!

Kate: Yeah, but so are we. You know what? It’s still anybody’s game.

Aidy: Oh, who will he pick?

[Doorbell rings]

Aidy and Kate: The corporal!

[The corporal walks in and in no time he makeshis pick]

The corporal: [pointing at Jennifer] Her!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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