The Duel | Season 44 Episode 16

Kenan Thompson

Sandra Oh

Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett

Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]

Sandra Oh: Quickly.

[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]

Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.

Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.

Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.

[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]

Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]

Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.

Mr. Abbeton: Ready.

Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.

Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.

Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.

Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?

Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.

Mr. Abbeton: Understood?

Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?

Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.

Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh:  ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.

Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.

Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]

Melissa Villaseñor: What?

Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?

Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.

Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

Kenan Thompson: No.

Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!

[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]

Sandra Oh: What’s happening?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.

Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.

Sandra Oh: Do be careful.

Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]

Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: This ends now!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]

Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.

Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.

[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?

Mr. Eberle: I do.

Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]

Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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