Heidi Gardner
Mikey Day
Emma Thompson
[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]
Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?
[Mikey Day walks in]
Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.
[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]
Emma Thompson: There you go.
Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?
[Cut to Heidi]
Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.
[Cut to Heidi]
Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.
[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]
Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!
[Cut back to present]
Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?
[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]
Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?
[Cut back to present]
Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?
[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.]
[Cut back to present]
Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.
[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]
Emma Thompson: Happy birth–
[Cut back to present]
Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.
[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.]
[Emma looks at Cheryl]
Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?
[Cut to Cheryl]
Cheryl: Hell, no.
[Cut back to present]
Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You never judged me. You never pried.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.
[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]
Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?
[Cut back to present[
Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.
[Cut to Heidi]
Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.
[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]
Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?
Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”
Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!
Mikey Day: You said—
Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat]
[Cut back to the present]
Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.
Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.
[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.]
[Heidi farts]
Heidi Gardner: Sorry.
[Cut back to present]
Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.
[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]
Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.
Mikey Day: What?
Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.
Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.
[Cut back to present]
Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.
[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]
Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.
[Mikey walks in]
Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.
Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?
[Cut back to present]
Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.
[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]
Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.
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