The Perfect Mother | Season 44 Episode 20

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Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Emma Thompson

[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]

Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?

[Mikey Day walks in]

Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.

[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]

Emma Thompson: There you go.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?

[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.] [Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]

Emma Thompson: Happy birth–

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.] [Emma looks at Cheryl]

Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?

[Cut to Cheryl]

Cheryl: Hell, no.

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You  never judged me. You never pried.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.

[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]

Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?

[Cut back to present[

Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.

[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]

Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?

Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”

Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!

Mikey Day: You said—

Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat] [Cut back to the present]

Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.

[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.] [Heidi farts]

Heidi Gardner: Sorry.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.

[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]

Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.

Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.

[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]

Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.

Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.

[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]

Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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