The Perfect Mother | Season 44 Episode 20

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Emma Thompson

[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]

Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?

[Mikey Day walks in]

Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.

[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]

Emma Thompson: There you go.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?

[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.] [Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]

Emma Thompson: Happy birth–

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.] [Emma looks at Cheryl]

Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?

[Cut to Cheryl]

Cheryl: Hell, no.

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You  never judged me. You never pried.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.

[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]

Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?

[Cut back to present[

Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.

[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]

Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?

Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”

Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!

Mikey Day: You said—

Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat] [Cut back to the present]

Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.

[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.] [Heidi farts]

Heidi Gardner: Sorry.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.

[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]

Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.

Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.

[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]

Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.

Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.

[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]

Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of