Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson
Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney
Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]
Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]
Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]
Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]
Steve: Why did you do that for?
Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]
Steve: All right.
Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?[Cut to Steve]
Steve: If you want to.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?
Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?
Steve: Yes I do.
Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?[Cut to Steve]
Steve: No, no. Of course not.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]
Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]
Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.
Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]
Steve: Okay, you get out of here.
Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.
Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.
Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.
Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.
Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]