Narrator… John Mulaney
Kyle Mooney[Starts with two elderly couple talking]
Grandpa: Hal, [Cut to Grandpa] he passed away.
Granny: Oh, no. That’s awful![Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: I’ll say. They found him on the toilet.[Cut to Granny]
Granny: That’s so embarrassing.
Narrator: Dying on the toilet. It’s every senior’s worst nightmare. You live a life of grace and honor only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable, ass up on a bathroom floor, and loaded toilet rotting behind you. Thankfully there’s a solution that’s both elegant and dignified. [Cut to a toilet commode] The Toilet Death Ejector. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying, simply press the red button. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed] Hydraulics beneath your seat will propel your dead body forward, hurl you gently through the air and deposit you neatly on your bed. The toilet will then automatically flush and release a puff of lavender scent. Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling onto your chest to imply wisdom. Choose from impressive title like the Bible, Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden’ or ‘Latest Gladwell.[Cut to Granny]
Granny: I don’t know. That sure seems awfully complicated.[Cut to the narrator]
Narrator: I’ll tell you what complicated. Explaining to the grandkids that nana died while taking a giant dumb. No matter what the cause of death is, they’re going to assume it was the size of the dump that killed her. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] So reclaim your dignity. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed]
Kyle Mooney: Hey, mom, I– Oh, no. [Kyle looks at the book on her] She was so wise.[Cut to an engineer fitting the Toilet Death Ejector]
Narrator: Our team of engineers guarantees that toilet death ejector is mostly accurate.[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Oh, no! That’s a shame. At least he died peacefully in bed reading scripture.[Cut to Granny]
Granny: Oh, that’s nice.[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Only thing was his pants were around his ankles. And there was [Bleep] everywhere.[Cut to the narrator]
Narrator: The toilet death ejector. Every time you hear that sound, [ejecting sound] an angel gets its wings.