Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

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Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters] [Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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