Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8


Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton:  Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.] [Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing] [Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton] [Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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