Dalton… James McAvoy
Hanna C… Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
Jessica C… Heidi Gardner
Aidy Bryant
Melissa Villaseñor
Adocku… Ego Nwodim
[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]
Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.
[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]
Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.
[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]
Hanna C: I missed you.
Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.
Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.
[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]
Dalton: I have such a connection with you.
[Kate McKinnon walks in]
Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.
Dalton: Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.
[Cut to Kate McKinnon]
Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.
[Jessica C. comes in]
Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.
Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.
[Cut to Jessica C.]
Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.
[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]
Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.
Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.]
[Aidy Bryant walks in]
Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.
[Cut to Dalton]
Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?
[Cut to Aidy Bryant]
Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.
[Hanna C. walks in]
Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.
Dalton: So what makes you you?
Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.
Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?
[Cut to Hanna C]
Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?
[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]
Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.
Dalton: Tell me something about you.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.
[Adocku walks in]
Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?
Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.
Adocku: My name id Adocku.
[Cut to Dalton]
Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.
[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]
Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.
Dalton: Hey, I like that.
Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.
Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]
Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.
Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.
[Cut to Aidy Bryant]
Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.
[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]
Dalton: That sounds really hard.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing]
[Kate McKinnon walks in]
Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.
[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]
Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton]
[Cut to Kate and Dalton]
Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.
Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.
Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.
[Dalton and Kate leave]
