Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8

Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton:  Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.] [Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing] [Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton] [Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]
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