Michael Che
Colin Jost
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Post Malone and a logo of Spotify at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was announced that the most streamed artist of 2019 was Post Malone. He is replacing last year’s winner, Pre Malone.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman and Peloton logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan, “Peloton, you’d better keep it tighter than the baby sitter.”
[Michael Che laughing]
[the picture changes to a mannequin and a British flag]
The parents of a toddler in great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hair styling mannequin head and he’s carrying it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they watch him be sentenced for multiple murders.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a microwave at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A dog in England started a house fire after he jumped on the counter and accidentally turned on the microwave. If it was such an accident, how come the microwave had a cat in it? A cute one.
[The picture changes to XFL logo]
The XFL has unveiled the new uniform for the upcoming season. At the same time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A german woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. The worst part was the worker just stood there. Mouth wide open.
[Picture changes the another news article]
Police in North Carolina arrested man after he was discovered in Cole’s parking lot smoking marijuana naked in his car. And I’m willing to bet that car was a Lincoln. [Picture changes to Matthew McConaughey in driving seat]
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of John Schnatter at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s has filed for divorce because marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza. It only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.
