Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of apple card logo at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: This week apple introduced a new credit card, and also a new streaming service, and also, what the hell is apple trying to do. They already listen to everything we say and now they want to control our money and we watch? Who’s the CEO of apple now, [Picture changes to Ike Turner] Ike Turner?[Picture changes to Alanis Morissette]
Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant, I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rob Gronkowski at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: New England patriot, tight end Rob Gronkowski announced he’s retirement from the NFL after nine seasons. Or, as Gron calls it, [Colin shows his six fingers] this many![Picture changes to a pregnant woman’s stomach] A 20 old woman in Bangladesh with two uterus’s gave birth to two a twin, 26 days after giving birth to her first child. This according to her vagina suicide note. [Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of zebra at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Police in Florida say that the owner of a pet Zebra shot and killed the animal after it escaped from it’s enclosure. Finally answering the question, “What’s black and white and red all over?”[Picture changes to Grindr app’s logo]
This week marked the 10th anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr, which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups, church camps.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: And you were worried about the Zebra. McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they order. For example, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.
It was reported that Nicolas Cage is filing for an annulment four days after getting married in Las Vegas. Read more about it in this month’s issue of ‘That sounds about right’.[Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of hospital at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. It sounds bad but he’s lucky because Europeans usually don’t leave a tip.[Picture changes to an SUV]
A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman says she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of denim underwear at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: A fashion company is selling a pair of woman’s underwear made out of denim for over $300. Which sounds expensive until you realize they’re made from Jay Leno’s old shirts.