Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of apple logo at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Apple has introduced a new line of emojis to represent people with disabilities, such as person in a wheelchair [Picture changes to person in a wheelchair emoji] or someone who is deaf [Picture changes to deaf person emoji], or the governor of Virginia [Picture changes to black face emoji].[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of red heart shape and a cockroach at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: A zoo in Texas has launched a valentine’s day promotion, let’s people get revenge on their ex’s by naming a cockroach after them and then feeding the cockroach to meerkat. That will show them they were right to break up with you. [Picture changes to a flying airplane with ‘Delta’ logo] Delta airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathrooms. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lion at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: A Colorado man who was attacked by a mountain lion survived after he fought off and killed the animal. Meanwhile, today I took an Uber three blocks so I wouldn’t crease my new sneakers. [Picture changes to a nursing home and a ticket of bingo game] A massive brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home after a 79 year old woman took an 86 year old’s seat at their bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in a critical condition.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: There was report that Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino have all turned down offers to perform at the Grammy’s over the complaints of the recording academy is not that enough to diversify the membership. In fact the academy’s blackest member is Virginia Governor [Picture changes to Ralph Northam] Ralph Northam. [Picture changes to picture map of Indiana and a leaf of marijuana] A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to the school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ with ‘Paw Patrol’. [Picture changes to a police car and cuffed hands] Police arrested a man after he pulled his car at the side of the road and started having with it. That man, you guessed it, [Picture changes to Matthew Mcconnaughey] Matthew Mcconnaughey.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a strip pole and an electrical meter at the right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: A stripper at a club in Florida was arrested after she got into a fight with another dancer. Then she ripped the entire electrical meter off the wall. Providing once again my old theory – cocaine makes you strong.