Michael Che
Colin Jost
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein at the right top corner of the screen]Michael Che: It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally googled Harvey Weinstein.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of red moon at the left top corner of the screen]Colin Jost: Sunday night will bring super blood wolf moon, which is rare lunar eclipse and not as I assumed, the name of the band [The picture changes to a band] that just performed on our show. [The picture changes to the Instagram famous egg] A picture of an egg has set a new record on Instagram as the most liked photo in history. Meanwhile, over on twitter, a picture of an egg just called me [Picture changes to a tweet that says ‘Colin Jost’s a jag-ass queef weasel] a jag-ass queef weasel.
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of written Gillette at the right top corner of the screen]Michael Che: Gillette has released a new ad that addresses the issues of toxic masculinity which is great. I mean, [Picture changes to Colin Jost] Colin disagrees, but I love [Picture changes to a picture of written Gillette] when a company takes a firm social stance that literally nobody asked for. Like I remember one time [Picture changes to a tweet of flesh light] flesh light tweeted never forget on 9/11. And I was like, “Never forgot? When am I supposed to use this flesh light?”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TV show ‘Made in Staten Island at the left top corner of the screen]Colin Jost: Italian American groups are accusing MTV show Made in Staten Island of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show’s executive producer, [Picture changes to a chicken parmesan wearing a vest] a Chicken Parm in a wife beater. Yesterday was [Picture changes to Winnie the Pooh] Winnie the Pooh day. That’s a tough transition. Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh day. This according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. [Picture changes to a watch] A woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid them inside her vagina. Officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking and kept on ticking.
[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of lorry at the right top corner of the screen]Michael Che: You thought we wouldn’t have a woman’s joke. A highway in Arizona was shut down after a tractor-trailer rolled over spilling 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate on the road. For reference, [Picture changes to Shaquille O’Neal] here’s what 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate looks like.
