Baskin Johns… Heidi Gardner
Fifer James… Gwyneth Kate Paltrow
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che at his set]
Michael Che: The health and lifestyle brand Goop hosted a wellness summit in New York this weekend. Here to talk about it is Goop representative Baskin Johns. Hey, welcome back Baskin.[Baskin Johns joins Michael Che]
Baskin Johns: I’m blessed to be back, Michael.
Michael Che: Well, last time you were here, you had a little trouble.
Baskin Johns: Yes, [Cut to Baskin Johns] I forgot a lot of what the stuff we sell is and does. But this time I’ve done my homework.[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]
Michael Che: Great, and I’m sure Gwyneth is watching as well.
Baskin Johns: Cool. So, [Cut to Baskin Johns] first up, is our Goop body wash, infused with ginger and – Oshawaganda.
Michael Che: Right, and for our viewers who don’t know what Oshawaganda is?
Baskin Johns: Thank you for you curiosity, Michael. [Cut to Baskin Johns] Oshawaganda is the number one thing rated number one. You know what, I would love to tell you what ginger is instead.[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]
Michael Che: No, just tell us about Oshawaganda.
Baskin Johns: Fine, Oshawaganda comes from Wakanda.
Michael Che: It comes from Wakanda like the made up country in ‘Black Panther’?
Baskin Johns: Yeah. Actually, [Cut to Baskin Johns] Gwyneth visited Wakanda and found lots of Oshawaganda growing on the set. And actually, I would love to tell you what ‘Black Panther’ is instead.
Michael Che: Are you having trouble against Baskin?
Baskin Johns: I already got one probation and I can’t get a another because second strike is Missouri.
Michael Che: Missouri?
Baskin Johns: Yes. [Cut to Baskin Johns] I have to go live in Missouri for a year, work at bath and body works and let my roots grow out. I can’t do it. Listen, my supervisor is here. Can I bring her out?[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]
Michael Che: Sure.
Baskin Johns: Okay, Fifer. Fifer, can you come help me? [Fifer James joins] Fifer, I need your help because I’m really afraid that Gwyneth is going to fire me.
Fifer James: She doesn’t believe in firing, remember, it’s called conscious unemploying.
Baskin Johns: Right. Yes, that is what Queen Gwe says.
Fifer James: So, I’m just going to take it from here, Baskin. [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]
Okay, [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] we have a new Himalayan Salt scrub. It is the number one salt scrub. Rated number one in all over salt. I mean, actually, I’d like to tell what you salt is instead.[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]
Michael Che: I know what salt is.
Fifer James: Just so you know, it’s angry sugar.
Baskin Johns: You know what? [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Fifer, we can get through this together. The Himalayan salt scrub is— What is it?
Fifer James: Well, it’s number one.
Baskin Johns: Number one.
Fifer James: Yeah, the number one.
Baskin Johns: Number one GOOP.
Fifer James: Yeah, as well as musical guest GOOP.
Baskin Johns: Yeah, [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] featuring Goop.
Michael Che: So, what does GOOP stand for?[Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James]
Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Gwyneth Opens Our Paychecks.[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Michael Che: Baskin Johns and Fifer James.
Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Oshwakanda forever