Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of college athletes at left top corner]
Colin Jost: California has passed a new law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California college athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. [Laughter]
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a TV channel on right top corner.]
Michael Che: The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new 24-hour news network aimed at African-American viewers. Unfortunately they’ve named it CNN-World. You’re laughing a little too hard there, buddy. The senate is criticized for failing to enact a proposed ban of realistic sex dolls that looks like children. Unfortunately while researching this story I googled realistic sex dolls that look like that on my work computer and now I’ve got to go away for a while.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at right top corner]
Colin Jost: Astronauts on the international space session successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating, they created a fourth-D, diarrhea.
[The picture changes to a news article and a picture of an alligator]
A Florida man arrested after catching an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself crocodile cause B.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of chicken nuggets on right top corner.]
Michael Che: A British woman was vegan called the police on her friends after she claimed they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of gathering of bishops at right top corner]
Colin Jost: As a gathering of bishops, pope Francis suggested the Vatican may consider dropping Celibacy requirements for some priests. Then he rushed back to the mic adding, “With adult women”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pink bicycle on right top corner.]
Michael Che: Florida police arrested the woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned on to a very bumpy road.
