Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of an island at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was reported that more than 400 million pieces of plastic has washed up on a remote island in the Indian ocean. For reference, here is what 40,000 million pieces of plastic look like. [The picture changes to ‘The Kardashians’] Comedian Chris Rock [Picture changes to Chris Rock with Saw logo.] is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie ‘Saw’, which I am assuming will be called ‘Seent’.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Boston city at left top corner.] [Colin is laughing]
That’s a fun joke.Colin Jost: Well, a new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was conducted by [Picture changes to front page of a magazine] catastrophic hearing loss magazine. [Picture changes to cartoon clip of Arthur.] Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon Arthur in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care that [The picture changes to Pepa Pig] Pepa Pig’s head is a full-on penis.[Cut to Colin and Michael] [Michael is laughing]
Well, tonight is the last show of the season, and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be jokes.
Michael Che: Yeah. So we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.
Colin Jost: Yeah. And the idea, Michael, isn’t to try to sabotage each other. It’s to just give over here fun jokes.
Michael Che: Uh-huh, why don’t you go first?
Colin Jost: Okay.
A student in Texas who is nicknamed ‘White Lightning’ set a high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under 10 seconds.[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of a god at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed to humans. Fine, I’ll wear a condom.[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at left top corner.]
Oh, wow. Okay.
Colin Jost: A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee culture. Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls hip-hop. Why?[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Whoa. [Michael is shaking his head.] I wouldn’t have said that. Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on, instead of their usual way, face down, ass up. What?[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. with a tag ‘Teacher Forced To Resign’ at left top corner.] [Colin sees the picture of Martin Luther King Jr.]
Colin Jost: Oh, come on.
Michael Che: Oh, no, I think this will be good.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sure. A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary students that Martin Luther King Jr. Killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth. Why![Cut to Colin and Michael. Michael is laughing.]
You’re going to get me murdered.