David Ortiz … Kenan Thompson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week—this summer former Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic but he recovered and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. Here to comment big Papi himself, David Ortiz.[David Ortiz slides in the screen]
David Ortiz: Yo! Feliz Septebre!
Colin Jost: It is so great to see you big Papi. How is your summer?
David Ortiz: It was bad. But you know what they say. [Cut to David Ortiz] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you want to try to kill who tried to kill you.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That must have been a horrible experience.
David Ortiz: Oh, you think bro? I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic. You know what they have in the hospital there?
Colin Jost: What?
David Ortiz: They got Mofongo. Chicharones. Beef Steaka Con Mas Beef Steak. And in the IV you know what they give you?[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What, like a saline solution?
David Ortiz: Close. Concreto Frito.
Colin Jost: They have that at the hospital?
David Ortiz: At the Dominical hospital they do.[Cut to David Ortiz]
That’s why I go to the Boston hospital next. You go what they got at the Boston hospital?
Colin Jost: hat?
David Ortiz: Medicine.
Colin Jost: Well, I hope you stay safe from now on.
David Ortiz: Me too. That’s why I’m more careful now. When I go out I wear a disguise. I get them all from the same place.[Cut to David Ortiz]
Hair BNB. You need a wig for the weekend, use Hair BNB. Every wig is made of 100% guinea pig hair. Very itchy.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, you’re still doing commercials?
David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, bro. [Cut to David Ortiz] I’m also trying to have a better diet now. Other so I’m eating the possible burger.
Colin Jost: You mean the impossible burger.
David Ortiz: No, possible burger. Did you buy a bunch of ground beef from the back of a pickup truck? It might not be real meat. But it’s possible.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m glad you’re staying positive about this.
David Ortiz: Oh, Mucho positive Jost. [Cut to David Ortiz] Have a new lease on life. I’ve even been exercising again.
Colin Jost: You’re exercising?
David Ortiz: I’m using the Pelocon.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You mean Peloton?
David Ortiz: No, Peloton is a bike. Pelicon is a Pelicon. Pelican. [Cut to David Ortiz] It’s just a big Pelican that attack you when you’re not expecting it. I already lost 15 pounds and three fingers. And you never see the Pelican coming, because he use Hair BNB.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Big Papi, I’m just really happy that you’re back and that you’re healthy enough to be shooting a commercial.
David Ortiz: Hey, who’s shooting?
Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone.
David Ortiz: Merry Christmas, everybody. Yo, yo, Mofongo.