Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney+ on left top corner]
Colin Jost: Disney announced that in November it will launch its new streaming service called Disne+ as in you now have to get Disney + Hulu + Netflix + Amazon + a Play Station + cable. Even though at the end, you’ll say there’s nothing good on, let’s just watch Law and Order.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian on right top corner]
Michael Che: Kim Kardashian revealed that she plans to take the bar exam and become a lawyer in three years. I think she can do it. I mean it only took Kanye a couple years to [Picture changes to Kanye wearing Trump hat] go to space. [Picture changes to Canada flag] A man in Canada is searching for the owner of a car he stole more than 20 years ago so that he can apologize and also return his son. It’s not real, guys.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map pinned to Moscow on left top corner]
Colin Jost: A new study lists the best city in the US to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho while the worst is once again Handsy Uncle Maryland.
Michael Che: I know that place. [laughs]
Colin Jost: [The picture changes to an old movie Grease] Paramount has begun developing a new movie called summer nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin on right top corner]
Michael Che: In a recent study, scientists created 3D scans of Dolphin vaginas and found that a Dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at Sea World. Well, I could have told you that.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sliced meat on left top corner]
Colin Jost: A new study has found that one way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions caused by meat products is adopting a nose to tail diet of eating every part of the animal. Get ready for the all new McHoof. [Picture changes to McDonald’s burger having full animal leg]
