Michael Che[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]
Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of impeachment hearing at left top corner.]
Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the house this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for thanksgiving. [Picture changes to David Nunes] It was reported last night that one of the stars of the hearing, congressman Devin Nunes, who has resting Spongebob face allegedly met in secret last year with a Ukrainian prosecutor to get dirt on the Bidens. So, the guy who’s supposed to be investigating Trump helped him do the crime. Nunes is so deep in this, he’s basically living in a pineapple under the sea. Now, the source of the theory is a little unreliable. So, I probably should not have mentioned it on TV. But, hey, that never stopped Devin Nunes. Do you remember when he said this about democrats?[Cut to David Nunes speaking]
David Nunes: They got caught trying to obtain nude photos of president Trump from Russian pranksters.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Somehow, I don’t think Russia has a lot of pranksters. It’s not like when the president of Russia poisons a journalist he jumps out and yells, “You just got Putined!” [Picture changes to Gordon Sondland] But the big revelation this week has the EU ambassador Gordon Sondland explicitly tied Trump, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence to the Ukraine scandal. It’s especially though for Pence, [picture changes to Mike Pence] whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.
Michael Che: I love how much fun Sondland was having. Look at his face. He’s in court for one of the biggest political scandals of all time, and he looks like he just took a molly suppository. How is he so relaxed in court? Meanwhile, every time a cop asks my name, I get so nervous I can barely say Kenan Thompson.[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of David Holmes and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: On Thursday, state department official David Holmes testified to overhearing a phone call between Trump and Sondland, to which the president responded, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “I have been watching people make phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been able to hear or understand a conversation.” [Cut to Colin Jost] Well, I definitely believe you have never understood a conversation. That actually explains—everything. But I’m not sure you have great hearing based on every press conference I have even seen you do.[Cut to several video clips of Donald Trump speaking in press conference.]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear you. [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear you, John. [Cut to another clip] You’re gonna have to speak a little louder. [Cut to another clip] Speak up! [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear your question. [Cut to another clip] I think you’re gonna have to speak up. [Cut to another clip] You have to speak up, I can’t hear you.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: [With hand gestures] I said your hearing is great. Trump also tweeted that he’s strongly considering testifying before congress in the impeachment inquiry and, oh, my god, I wish he would. Can you imagine if both Trump and Giuliani testified on live TV? The ratings would be insane. It would be like the super bowl. But with worst brain damage.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Michael Bloomberg at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Former New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at predominantly black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for this ‘Stop and Frisk” policy. And as a black man from New York I’ll say, apology noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Because as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit, “Stop and Frisk” did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot. It also helped me find a lot of weed, I thought I lost.[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]