Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of newspaper that says ‘Government Shutdown enters 29th day’ in the left top corner of the screen]
Well guys, we were off for a month. But conveniently so was the government. President Trump, [The picture changes to Donald Trump] the man who said he would own the shut down clearly doesn’t care about the people who are working unpaid, who can’t afford basic things like food. Why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. [The picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of hamburgers] Then after, McDonalds was done hosting his burger orgy, he went on television today and [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech] made a new proposal to end the shutdown and that proposal was basically, you give me $5.7 billion and I will give you back the dreamers. Am I the only who thinks it sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. [The picture changes to a paper that says ‘Give me a wall or bye bye dreamers’] And by the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech] These protections he’s offering are not even real laws. They are vague promises he’s making. I trust a promise from Donald Trump that as much as R Kelly in [Picture changes to Clair’s boutique door] Clair’s boutique.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: Yeah, I agree. That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say hi. He just started talking like we were already talking. I found that to be rude. Then he said he’s going to stop half the crime and 90% of the heroine with something called ‘slats’. [Picture changes to a wall Donald Trump promised to build] Which as you can see, is a wall without all the wall. Hear that, Mexico. Good luck trying to crack this code. What are you going to do, pass your drugs and small children through those giant slats? Pshh. Imagine you’re a coast guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government workers that are actually stopping drugs and crime from getting to this country and you haven’t been paid in a month, and the president gets on TV, doesn’t say sorry or doesn’t even say hi, but instead he’s like, “Hey, what y’all think about ‘slats’?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the left top corner of the screen]
Colin Jost: The other big news is BuzzFeed published a story that said Robert Mueller had evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. The details were so sketchy even Mueller’s team had to be like, “Sorry, fake news.” How disappointing was that. You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group text to their family reading [The picture changes to a phone with a text message saying ‘We got him’] “We got him!”? The crazy part is that the [Picture changes to White House] White House is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation while there are like 100 other crimes still on the table. If you got tested for every STD and your doctor said the good news is you don’t have chlamydia, you wouldn’t say that’s all I need to hear doc. No condoms for this guy.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the right top corner of the screen]
Michael Che: That’s going to be a meme. BuzzFeed, I think it’s great. We all think it’s great that you want to help, but this is not really what we need from you. Y’all at BuzzFeed, you do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches and every thanksgiving she like, “Hey all, what should I bring?” and we are like, “Um, ice?” You bring the ice because we don’t want to be picking the raisins out of the turkey. That’s you, Buzz feed. You bring the ice. As Dr. King once said, don’t go chasing water falls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes you are used to. There’s no shame in that. We all play a role. Look, sometimes kids come up to me and say, “Michael Che, I get all my news from you.” I say, “Don’t do that. I bring the Ice.”
Colin Jost: It was Anthony Scaramucci who served as White House Communications Director for less than two weeks is joining the cast of Celebrity Big Brother while Sean Spicer is100% the poodle on the mass singer. [Picture changes to Alexandria Oscsio-Cortez] It was also revealed that freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be giving lessons to her fellow democrat on how to use twitter more effective, followed immediately by Chuck Schumer [Picture changes to people in a zumba class] teaching zumba.