Colin Jost
Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.
[cheers and applause]
[Jeanine Pirro joins in]
Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.
Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.
Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!
[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?
Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.
Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?
Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.
Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.
Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.
[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?
Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!
[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.
Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!
Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.
Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.
Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?
Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.
[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.
Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]
Colin Jost: It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.
Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.
