Colin Jost
Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set]Colin Jost: Fox News host Jeanine Pirro has lost up to 20% of her advertisers since making controversial comments about a Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is Jeanine Pirro.
[Cut to Jeaning Pirro]Jeanine Pirro: Hello, I’m judge Jeanine Pirro, and I just want to thank the brave sponsors who stuck with me despite the accusations by the radical Looney left. To companies like Jeep I say thank you. And to Mitsubishi I say, Domo Arigato, Cobra Kai. Sorry Daniel-San, so wax off.
[Jeanine is showing kung-fu stances] [Cut to Jeanine and Colin]Colin Jost: I just want to tell you. You don’t have to be so loud, I can hear you.
Jeanine Pirro: Oh, no can do, bud.
[Cut to Jeanine]20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my cobb salad had a cranberry in it. And now I’m locked at this volume every day for the rest of my life.
[Cut to Jeaning and Colin]Colin Jost: Well, It’s rumored that Fox has only kept you on the air because Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.
[Cut to Jeanine]Jeanine Pirro: Yes, that is because Donald Trump is a class act. He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley Snipes of Taxes. He’s a win in the boardroom. And sometimes wizzes a little in bedroom.
Jeanine Pirro: Colin, please! [Cut to Jeanine] I haven’t been drinking. [Jeaning takes out her Bloody Mary glass] I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena. And let me tell, mama is a lizard.
[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]Colin Jost: All right, well, despite Trump’s stonewalling, it’s likely Robert Mueller will testify before congress.
[Jeanine spits all the Bloody Mary over Colin’s face]Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin, look. That’s a terrible idea. The report is done. Senor Mueller has spoken and he said no Hablo collusion man.
Colin Jost: Well, I’m going to let you finish this next sip before I say this.
Jeanine Pirro: Okay.
Colin Jost: Okay. The democrats could make him testify if they start impeachment proceedings.
[Jeanine throws the Bloody Mary off the glass on Colin’s face]Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin Jessica Jost, impeachment would be crazy. Okay? That is the last resort of the Loopy Loco left who hate this president and his stick mac daddy energy.
Colin Jost: What the hell are you talking about? I don’t think that’s the case because– and I’m glad that your drink is gone–
Jeanine Pirro: It’s Bloody Mary.
[Cut to Jeanine, Colin and Michael.]Colin Jost: I’m glad your drink is gone.
[Michael gives Jeanine another glass of Bloody Mary]Michael Che: I got an extra one.
Colin Jost: No! No! Why would you do that?
[Cut to Jeanine and Colin.]Why would you do that?
Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, thank you, Kenan. Wonderful. What a nice guy. Funny, too.
Colin Jost: So, I’m just going to ask this now. So, by ignoring the subpoenas, and I’m just going to hold your arm for this part, [Colin hold’s Jeanine’s hand] by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually give democrats more reason to impeach.
[Jeanine throws the bloody Mary off the glass on her other hand on Colin’s face.]Jeanine Pirro: What! No! No! Colin!
Colin Jost: I’m so wet. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.
