Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Colin Jost
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Fox news personality judge Jeanine Pirro returned to television tonight after being suspended for two weeks after controversial comments about a Muslim congressman. Here to explain is Jeanine Pirro.
[Janine Pirro joins Colin Jost]
Jeanine Pirro: Evening Collin. I’m judge Jeanine Pirro. And it’s up to you to decide just what my whole deal is.
Colin Jost: That’s great. So you’re back on Fox.
Jeanine Pirro: That’s right! [Cut to Janine Pirro] This Mueller report completely exonerated the President, and, therefore, everybody on the Trump train. Whew, whew! So, somebody at Fox news said my name into a bathroom mirror three times and here I am. And Colin, I just want to take this opportunity to say hi to my super fans out there. Mean horny men laying on in-home hospital beds and white prison gangs who control the remote on Saturdays. Thank you for watching.
[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You don’t have to shout. I can year you.
Jeanine Pirro: Can’t do, pal! Momma’s got one volume and it’s three chardonnays deep by the crowded party!
Colin Jost: So you really think that this report totally exonerates the president? Because the Attorney Ganeral’s letter made it sound a little murky.
Jeanine Pirro: It’s crystal clear! [Cut to Janine Pirro] No collusion, no obstruction. The report concludes that the President is 35-years-old and 175 pounds. He’s got the rugged good looks of Bradley Cooper and he smells like steak and complementary bathroom cologne. And he’s a USDA certified sex machine who can wack that ass from dusk until dawn.
[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I really don’t think it says that. Also, how can you be so sure about the Mueller Report when noone’s actually read it?
Jeanine Pirro: No one should read it, Colin. [Cut to Janine Pirro] That’s why tonight I’m asking Attorney General William Barr to tell the world that President Trump is innocent. And then burn that report for all of eternity. Just throw it into the temple of doom. And sorry, short round, you ain’t stopping Dr. Jones this time!
[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: See, it’s that type of comment that maybe got you in trouble.
Jeanine Pirro: No, sorry, Colin, after this Mueller report, we in Trump nation can do anything we want.
Colin Jost: That’s right. Yes, I actually heard that Trump say this week he might completely close the border with Mexico.
Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]
Colin Jost: Wow, are you okay?
Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Yes, great! Oh, [Cut to Janine Pirro] I just got so damn excited about Trump unleashing, wow mama, oh yeah! He’s getting rid of Jussie Smollett and he’s bringing back Roseanne! Yeah! She’s going to have her own show called ‘The Barrs’. It’s Roseanne and William Barr on the dirtiest couch you’ve ever seen. And they’re calling them like they see them and they’re taking all of the damn ambien they want! Period!
[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Again, I don’t think that’s happening but I don’t know if you heard, Trump did say he’s hoping to launch an investigation into both Obama and Hillary—
Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]
Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone!
Jeanine Pirro: You’re under investigation next.
