Weekend Update Jeff Sessions on His Trump-Friendly Campaign Ads


Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.

[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.

Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?

[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]

Colin Jost: What is that, senator?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost:  I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.

Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!

Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.

Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?

Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?

Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.

Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]

Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.

Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.

Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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