Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost in their news set]
Michael Che: What’s up, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner of the screen.] Four women have come forward claiming that Joe Biden touched them in ways that made them uncomfortable. And yeah, I can see that. He looks like one of the uncles that calls spring sundress time. It’s very disappointing, but older people in general have a problem with boundaries. There’s an old lady in my building who’s 75, and every time I see her she grabs my arm and says something dirty. It’s very uncomfortable. But I just let her because she’s hot.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: And then on Wednesday, Biden released a video responding to the allegations. And I’m not sure it helped.[Cut to video clip of Joe Bidden’s response]
Joe Biden: In my career I try to make a human connection. That’s my responsibility I think. I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men by the shoulders and say you can do this.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah, so it was supposed to be an apology, not a reenactment. Also the look of the video is just so weird. Why is it shot vertically? It looks like something from a premium adults-only Snapchat. And of course nothing puts women at ease like a man on a leather couch who has already taken off his tie. You must as well end the video by him unbuttoning his shirt and saying, to find out what happens next log on to godaddy.com. Then a pro-Trump group said Biden’s behavior is unacceptable and should instantly disqualify him from running. The group’s name is Independent Republicans of New York, or I.R.O.N.Y.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mueller report at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: The house judiciary committee voted to subpoena the full un-redacted Mueller report from the white house. Man, I really wish I knew about redacting when I was in school. I probably would have graduated. I did my report, it’s just redacted right now. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] If Donald Trump stole the presidency, why don’t we just steal it back? If I was running for president, [Picture changes to Michael Che’s election poster] I would be in Putin’s DM’s right now negotiating. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Why is everybody trying to play fair with this guy? Even the FBI. Oh, you didn’t find anything? Then plant it! You’re the FBI. Just turn off the body cam and put some crack in his shoes, man.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s wall visit at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Yesterday President Trump visited replacement fencing at the US-Mexico border and he described it like this.
Donald Trump: If you want to climb that, you deserve whatever you can get. But it’s a very, very hard—it’s call anti-climb.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s called anti-climb. Trump’s like, “Well, we started with a wall that was climb. [Picture changes to a picture of wall climbing with handles and bumps for holding and stepping on it] But then we took away the handy holds and the footy woots [The handles and bumps in the picture are now gone] and now it’s anti-climb.” Then Trump went on to say this.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]
Donald Trump: So it’s a great wall and it looks—I think it looks fantastic. Very see-through so you’re able to see the other side, which is a very important element. Okay?[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I love that sassy “Okay”, that’s great. Trump’s describing the wall like he’s a hung-over tour guide, just trying to get through it. Well, okay, yes. We got the statue of liberty, [Picture changes to statue of liberty] she’s big, she’s green, she’s holding a light which I call anti-dark.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and avocados at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: It was reported if Trump closes the border with Mexico, the US would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he wage a war on brunch? I can’t wait to see the millions- woman march.